There is a reason

Many of you know that Agape recently spent a few days in the hospital for a long episode of uncontrollable shaking and weakness.  To make the story brief, she had many tests done that were all negative.  Thankfully Agape recovered on her own, and she is back to herself again.  No real conclusion as to why it happened, but we do believe that it may have been a rare reaction to some of the vaccines she received the day before the shaking happened.

I have a friend who has recently experienced a similar scare with a loved one.  When talking with my friend we struggled with the harsh reality that bad things happen to good people, and we can't always understand why.

People I tell you this for sure.  There is always a reason.  This reason has nothing to do with a distant god that cares little for our well being, and actually enjoys our plight.  This couldn't be farther from the truth.  I can't explain why Agape had to go through so many needles, tests, and discomfort, but I do realize a few things relating to this situation.

If Agape had this happen to her a few months earlier, or if we hadn't picked her up from the Congo yet, she would have gone through this alone.  If she was able to go to a hospital no one would have been by her bed, and the diagnostic testing would not have been nearly as reliable.

The next night after Agape was discharged we went to see a TobyMac concert in Philly.  Agape loved it!  The lights, the music, the friends, her face gave her away, she was having a blast.  During the intermission of the concert a pastor came out and shared about an organization that provides food to people who are starving.  Here is what he shared:

There are 7 billion people in the world right now.  If you take 100 people that represent the socioeconomic standing of the entire world and put them in a room this is how it breaks down.  Of those 100 people, 50 of them will die of hunger, only 7 of them have access to the internet, and only 2 can decide if they go to college.  Obviously, America is represented by the "2" people.  Most of the world does not live like us.

I can't say for sure why Agape had to go through what she did last week.  I'm not sure why anyone ever has to go through any sort of tragedy, but I am reminded of one thing that I know if true.  We have the power to make a difference in this world.  Whether it is your neighbor across the street, or the orphans of Africa, they need us in their times of trouble.  One Bible verse comes to mind that states this thought more clearly than I ever could.

Proverbs 3:27-28 - "Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, when it is in your power to act.  Do not say to your neighbor, 'Come back tomorrow and I'll give it to you' - when you already have it with you."

What I love about this verse so much is that it is not so much about worship in the sense that Americans tend to think.  It's not about a church service with singing, praying, and preaching.  It's about being present in the needs of our world around us, and giving ourselves to make it better.

To make this happen it is going to cost us people.  What is it going to cost us exactly?

Your comfort.

Do you really need that new iPad for Christmas?  A 64 GB iPad with the data plan costs $829 (excluding the cost of the monthly data plan).  With that same amount of money here is what you can also do:

13 small animals to a farmer - $101
Safe water innovations for clean drinking water - $50
Clothing for children - $75
1 year of school for 2 orphans - $70 x 2 = $140
Backpack and school supplies - $22
Life saving medicines and supplies - $60
Bicycle for a girl - $85
15 fruit trees - $90
Feed a family in the USA for 1 week - $112
Vaccinations - $41
Ship and deliver a wheelchair - $50

Grand total = $826

Actually that is LESS than an iPad.  All these I mentioned above are things that people in the world need in order to live, and they can't get them without our help.  You don't have to spend lots of money to adopt a child to do something great.  Any one of these things from World Vision will change someone's life for the better.

So with this I encourage you all to open your eyes to the world around you, and do something to make it better.  If you need any ideas on how to do it you have 11 suggestions right here.

Blessings to you all.

Learning to Sing

Tonight.... was beautiful.

I want to remember it, so I need to write about it and share it with you.

Tonight started off as challenging for 2 reasons. First, I spent the morning sick in bed. Just feeling pretty nauseous and wiped. (Now my sister and grandmother are also sick... must have shared germs at Thanksgiving, yum!) Second, Dan is working the night shift, so I was on my own for afternoon, dinner, and bed routines for the kids. We usually double-team it to cover both kiddos simultaneously at bedtime, so I had to get a little creative to make tonight flow for both Justice's bottle feeding and Agape's bed routine. I am still feeling pretty wiped, so I was ready for bed before any of the kids were, but we still had to do bottles, teeth brushing, and books. The usual.

This is when it got sweet. Agape and I sat on the floor and did an I-Spy book while I fed Justice on my lap. Then it was time to climb into bed to read our nightly Bible story. Usually I climb in next to her to read. Tonight I put Justice on the pillow beside Agape so that I could hold the bottle in one hand and the Bible in the other... and hope to avoid excess air bubbles for Justice while not losing my place for Agape. Basic momma work.

Midway through the story Justice finished and I removed the bottle. Instead of protesting the end of the milk supply, he immediately rolled toward Agape, snuggled his face into her chest, and fell asleep without a single wimper or complaint. Agape put her arm around him and snuggled right in as I finished her story.

The part of the story that I was reading went like this:

"Jesus knew that God would always love and watch over the world he had made - everything in it - birds, flowers, tree, animals, everything! And most of all, his children. Even though people had forgotten, the birds and the flowers had not forgotten - they still knew their song. It was the song all of God's creation had sung to him from the very beginning. It was the song people's hearts were made to sing: "God made us. He loves us. He is very pleased with us." It was why Jesus had come into the world: to sing them that wonderful song; to sing it not only with his voice, but with his whole life - so that God's children could remember it and join in and sing it, too." 

... I think my children are singing... <3

Can you imagine trying to choke out these words while seeing your two children - your dearest heart of hearts - all snuggled together like this. After all of the hoping, praying, struggling, fearing, fundraising, crying, sacrificing, and trusting in God to get your daughter home safely to join your family. After the surprise and struggle of an unplanned pregnancy in the middle of all of the adoption craziness and uncertainty. Last year I did not know either of these children... one was still a faceless hope and one was just a brand new formless surprise. Now, just one short year later, it was truly like something out of a dream. Jesus was present in the bedroom tonight. His grace and love were palpable. As we keep singing each day, "Yesu azali awa, na bisou" - Jesus is here with us. 

Agape wanted Justice to sleep with her, but I had to tell her no. She was sad about that but didn't fight and gave Justice a nice kiss goodnight, saying "goodnight Buddy-bud." (She ADORES him!) Then I hugged and kissed her and told her - just like I say every night - "Goodnight Agape, I love you" As I was getting up to take Justice to his bed I heard her say quietly "I love you too."

I love you too.

This may not sound like much, but can I tell you how amazing those words sound to me? ... because this is the first time that she has said them in response to my goodnight. This is the best thing that my momma heart can hear. (Plus, it was in English!)

I turned around to see her smiling. 

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is a moment that I will never forget. Many more battles still to fight, but the war is already won, thanks to the Singer. 

Love wins. 

Every time.

And now, I am singing too...

Truth about the First Week Home: The Good, the Hard, and the Downright Ugly

Well, it has been a while since we last posted... and there is a very good reason why, too. This "first month home" stuff is pretty crazy! Dan and I are trying to establish basic ground rules, a general schedule or routine, security based on trust, and some semblance of order for our family. This is all way easier said than done.

All in all, the first few weeks home have been good. VERY GOOD for us who were homesick, and generally good for our little girl who is probably feeling a bit homesick herself, but can't tell us about it. Each day has its happiness highs as well as its sad/defiant lows... and more than ever before, each day leaves us feeling absolutely DRAINED, emotionally and physically. This parenting a hurting child is quite the challenge! How can we sum it all up for everyone? Well, a phrase keeps coming to mind "the good, the bad, and the ugly." Change "bad" to "hard" and we can pretty much file everything from our past week into one of these categories, so here goes:

The GOOD:

Justice - Agape loves her brother! From the first moment that she laid eyes on him at the airport, she has been a GREAT big sister! She sings to him, tickles him, soothes him when he cries, and makes him laugh more than any other person on this earth can! The love is reciprocal. He simply adores her, and just loves to look at her and smile. It is so wonderful that they work together so well. We were very worried about jealousy, but that has not seemed to be much of a problem so far. What a blessing from God! Seeing them together is just too beautiful.

Family connections - We have been able to get together with ALMOST all of the family already. While we think that we definitely overdid it with "meetings" the first week, we do know that Agape has felt happy and loved by a lot of people. She has been doing very well with remembering names since we went over them every day in the Congo while looking through the family photo album that we made for her. The family album is in a colorful, compact little 8X8 Shutterfly book, and it has proved to be a great way to prepare her for meeting new family! Whenever we are going to meet someone new we prepare her by reviewing the book together and showing her who we are going to be seeing. Then when she sees them in person she is just tickled to realize that this is the person from the picture... but now they are in real life! We highly recommend making a book like this to take with you if you are going to pick up your child. Throw in a few pics of your child that you have received from your agency. Agape loves to see herself in the family book as well! We will make a new one as well, as soon as we have collected pictures of her with each new person. Probably for Christmas...

Church - We anticipated skipping out on church for a while because of the onslaught of new faces, but it seemed to us that Agape was really missing some peer time, so we decided to take her the first Sunday. It just so happened to be "Orphan Sunday" as well, so it was almost too perfect, and we really couldn't resist.  :) Agape did GREAT and loved meeting the kids and making some new friends! Now, our church is very small, and so it was definitely less overwhelming than a larger church might have been. And she only had about 10 kids to meet in her age range, so this was a nice small number. Just perfect for forming some new relationships. And the kids have been waiting for SOOOOOO LONG to meet her, that they were excited to welcome her right in! We have some of the best kiddos around, I think. I may be biased, but hey, they are pretty darn awesome. One of the moms also researched and learned (all on her own!) some Lingala so that she could welcome Agape in her own language. Agape really got a kick out of this, and it definitely was a good ice breaker to make her feel more at home. Church = SUCCESS!

Food - OK, we have a mixed subject here. Food fits into 2 of my categories of this list. I will get to the hard stuff later... but I gotta say that, overall, finding food that Agape likes has been way less of an issue than I anticipated. Agape likes a great many foods that we eat regularly, such as bananas, avocado, bread, PB+J, granola bars, yogurt, eggs, cheese, rice, chicken, pizza, and fish. Casseroles that contain these items are a definite hit, and she has eaten pretty heartily while she's been here. Not to mention that our friends and church family have been making us meals like crazy, and they have been AWESOME! And - per our request - pretty much all include rice. :) Strangely enough, she does not get too into sweets... no candy, cakes, or cookies seem to interest her. Not complaining! She seems to like ice cream now, but she had to warm up to it. Her main food craving, unfortunately, is any kind of SALTY processed snack food that comes in a bag. Chips, chips, cheese curls, and more chips... oh, and pop corn too. The heavily salted, cheesed, and buttered kind. I have a feeling that they ate a lot of this junk food at her orphanage because she talks about eating it a lot... for a lot of meals. Loso (white rice) and salty food: two things she thinks she could live on. That would probably explain why her blood tests revealed some serious nutritional deficits. Just imagine her joy when she gets old enough to realize that we live in walking distance of a major chip factory that gives tours and free samples right off the line! And their chips - Herr's - are pretty much the yummiest EVER! Unfortunately (or maybe FORTUNATELY) for her, we don't really eat much salt... chips only for special occasions, minimal processed foods, and we don't even cook with added salt very often. The poor girl is probably going through sodium withdraw! We are OK with that, and are prepared to weather the storm. Plus, absence makes the heart grow fonder, so it will allow chips to become good bargaining tools, I think! (No, I am NOT above bribing my children. Judge if you like, but there has to be SOME kind of "prize" for completing a sticker chart! Might as well be a bag of Herr's!)

Outside - We have been blessed with a few really lovely days lately, and so Agape has been able to spend a good deal of time outside! We lost a few trees from Sandy, and so Papa has been outside with the chainsaw a lot lately. Agape has been outside with him, just scooting around on the driveway on a kid car or playing with bubbles. She has not gotten too adventurous yet, and just stays right around us, but at least it is better than just hanging out inside! She has a lot energy to burn too, so running outside is a Mom's best friend! We even went for a walk at the park the other day after Mom's jog. Agape played on the play set for 1 hour and then walked a half mile with us. It was a great start to getting her ready for our family hikes. We are quite the active family, especially in summertime, so she's going to have to be ready!

Swimming - HIGHLIGHT OF THE PAST FEW WEEKS! Agape absolutely loves the pool at the Y! She calls swimming "le plunge" and she talks about it all the time. always asking if we can go now. If she colors a picture in her coloring book, it is always of something that is swimming or floating in water. And last night when she was skyping with her awesome Lingala friend, Lucy, she was telling her all about it and acting it out! Now, truth be told, Agape is not technically "swimming" yet... she is quite the drama mamma and screams like the world is ending over any little thing. This includes getting a mouthful of water or having one of us help her learn how to kick her legs. Oh well... she will get it... Oh, the torture of helping her learn to do something that she LIKES! LOL But seriously, we know she loves swimming A LOT because despite these little cataclysmic occurences, she - like any other child - never wants to leave the water when I say it is time to go! She never looks more full of joy than when she is in the pool, or at least knows that we will be going there soon

Jogging - not her, ME! I have been so thankful for the opportunity to still run on Dan's days off. I need to give my hubby HUGE props for this. He KNOWS how much I love/need to jog... and he helps to make it possible for me to GO! I am a much better and happier momma after a run. It's good for the whole family!!!

Bedtime (my favorite time of day!) - Since coming home Agape has slept every night in her own room in her own bed, PTL!!! There were 2 nights where she fought us on going to sleep and screamed for an hour straight, and we do have occasional trouble with the whole "getting ready for bed" routine (ie STALLING), but overall the bedtime routine that we established from the first night in Congo (story, bible story, lights off, prayer, hug and kiss) has worked like a charm. It helps her wind down and feel safe and cozy. Blessing!

The HARD:

The power struggles - This is an everyday occurrence. Mornings are the worst, and things tend to get better as the day goes on. It is almost like we have to reestablish every day that we are her momma and Papa, and we are indeed in charge.... and us being in charge means her GOOD, not her destruction. This struggle usually begins with eating breakfast. It always begins with us asking her to do something or putting food in front of her. Even if she asks for something herself - and we KNOW that it is something she is familiar with and she has happily downed it many times before - she almost immediately decides that she hates it, and it is disgusting. Then she refuses to eat, and very dramatically acts out how horrible the food tastes - usually complete with grimacing, moaning, eye rolling, and whining... sometimes she even throws in a few gagging spells and sticking out her tongue. This is usually followed by a swing in the other emotional direction by her becoming stone cold, refusing to look at us, and refusing to speak. Sometimes "going limp" happens now, and sometimes the "statue stand" occurs. Either way, the desired effect is defiance and gaining a "begging" reaction (and control) from us when we try time and again to get her to even look at us. The girl is smart... she knows that we cannot physically make her eyeballs look at us, so she figures that this is the most surefire means of effective defiance. Instead I just count to 3, and on three her only option is to answer/look or go up to her room. This is usually when the wailing begins. As soon as I pick up the puddle/statue child, she begins screaming bloody murder - my personal favorite part of the whole ordeal... NOT (Eye-yi-yi-yi-yi!!!). The desired result is attention and control. The actual result is a lot of of patience learning on our part. Once we put her in the time out chair or her room, the waiting begins. Sometimes it is over very quickly, but sometimes she can drag it out for an hour or more. She is African, so she is very patient. :) We keep checking in with "finished?" whenever the crying out stops. When she is ready to look at us and apologize then the ordeal is over and she returns to finish her now very soggy cereal or very cold eggs.

OK, so this process is NO FUN for anyone involved, but we have been making progress! She has been trying new things lately, she has realized that she really does have to finish her meals before she will get to eat anything else or go anywhere, and she also seems to understand that we do in fact mean business when we set a rule. Tonight we had a similar showdown at dinnertime, and all in all she sat at the table for 2 hours, but it was a fairly happy 2 hours, and she did finish without a single cry. Yesterday morning she tried to hide the granola bar she had chosen for breakfast in her hand instead of eating it, but when I discovered it and told her the deal (no breakfast = no swimming) and she responded IMMEDIATELY. She did not want to chance that one! All in all, improving slowly.

Of course this is only one of the power struggle areas... I could go on and on... but the most important thing to note is how there are 2 things that have been helping here: 1. Our consistency in the standards that we set and the rewards/punishments that we state. 2. Our bonding with her and her corresponding trust in us and our love for her. The more she feels loved, the less she fights for control. This makes sense, of course, but it is hard to remember in the heat of the moment when the screamo is going on. Just remember, she is feeling insecure, so she is slipping back into frightened orphan mode. The only thing that will change that is love and consistency!

Alone Time - Huh? What IS that???? Haven't had that in a while! SEriously, after the kids fall asleep (which is usually at about 10pm) we are DONE. EXHAUSTED, mentally, physically, and emotionally. That is why it has taken me so long to write this blog post! By the time I put the kids to bed, I am so emotionally spent from giving all of me to Agape all day that I don't have the emotional strength to get it all out in cohesive words! Yup, this is just a tad hard on the whole "love life" but of course we did have a baby this year too, so we were pretty prepared for that, haha. All in all, we are completely worn out, but when we snuggle up and fall asleep in bed at night - for that SPLIT SECOND between snuggling into the pillow and being dead asleep - we know that our love is still just as strong as it ever was. So thankful that I have Dan. SO SO SO THANKFUL. If our marriage was not strong, this would not work. But the bottom line is that we are best friends who can certainly DO hard. The first 5 years of marriage were spend working and going to college - not to mention nursing school. We know how to make "no sleep, no time, to money" work, and we also know we will be stronger for it. I could pick no one better to be on my team. I LOVE MY HUSBAND! Thank you Lord. :)

The UGLY:

Still an orphan - this is just a matter of fact: Agape is still very much in "orphan mode" a lot of the time. We are not sure that she really understands yet that this is FOREVER. Nothing can change it. Nothing will send her back. Nothing will stop our love. Nothing will cause her to be abused. Nothing. For now, she still slips into the role of self-preserving orphan on a daily basis. She does not understand what family even means. We have to define it for her. But if she feels threatened by new circumstances or pain then she quickly freaks out. Getting shots is the worst. She cries out so loudly and struggles so much. It took Dan and 3 nurses to hold her down - pin her - to get blood for blood work. Meanwhile she was screaming so much that every child within earshot started to cry as well. Justice shrieked when he heard her. Both my kids were crying. One was most likely cursing me out in Lingala. She was MAD. And SCARED. She even cried out for her birth mother when crying for me did not work. Ugly, heart wrenching, stick-with-you-forever kinda scene. I hated it. Her wounds are deep. Unfortunately there are going to be times when I will let her down or seem to be betraying her (times like shots). Bottom line, she has to learn to trust. This is going to take a LONG time.

Tantrums - OH MY. If only you could hear her crying! This girl can WAIL! And she can be totally faking, but be oh so convincing. Tears can be streaming, and she can turn it on and off with a smile. The trantrums come with kicking and flailing too. FUN! They also tend to come when others are around to watch (ie in public or with guests). The girl likes to have an audience.  :) This just comes with the territory, unfortunately. Child + wounded past + insecurity = ticking time bomb. But hey, we knew this when we signed up for adoption, so we are as prepped as we can be! Overall, the trantrums are getting less, I think, and shorter in duration. A few weeks ago she flew into a fit over something while walking to the car and started the wailing. I had tried everything to get her to stop but nothing was working, and so I finally, once we were all buckled inside the car, just started wailing too. Totally calm, not angry or upset, just making noise. She hated it! Flew into a louder rage. I got louder. She got louder. I just kept on pacing myself and looked totally nonchalant. Every time she would stop to take a breath I said "Agape finished, then mamma finished. Finished?" This would just elicit fresh screaming. But then FINALLY she stopped like a light switch, looked at me, and said "Momma, FINISHED! Stop." I asked her to say sorry, she did, and the wailing was OVER. She has only had one crying fit with me since. She knows now that it does not get anywhere, and she really is annoyed at my wailing, haha. I think that it finally got through that the crying fits are not a good way to get what you want, at least not when its with mom, anyways (she did try the crying in children's church the other day, and it worked with the unsuspecting teachers at first, but then I called her bluff). She told papa about the whole thing later and then reminded him "NO CRYING, PAPA!" Obviously, something stuck. Now, this method would probably make attachment theorists wince, but hey, it worked for us. Tantrums still happen (Oh, Thanksgiving was BAD...) but they are getting better overall!

Wounds from past - Won't say much about this, except the ugly truth is that she has been abused in many ways. Physical scars prove it. Emotional scars impact our daily life. And the more english she learns and Lingala we learn, the more she can tell us. It is NOT pretty. American children, getting mildly spanked by parents who love you is the LEAST of your causes for complaint... you want to talk about emotionally scarring, just talk to someone who has been beat or otherwise punished by someone without restraint and without love. U G L Y.

Our own hearts - the ugly truth about US, is that we see so much of this orphan girl in ourselves and the way that we relate to God. Whenever my daughter is fighting me on eating breakfast, or throwing a fit to get her way, or freaking out over shots, calling for ANYONE to come to her aid - these moments just remind of how I do this to God. I fight his good will for me, I beg and beg to get my way and get so angry if I don't, and I turn to anyone/anything else for comfort so often when I should be turning to God. It is crazy how much I live as an orphan when I have such a GOOD heavenly father. BUt he is even more patient with me as Dan and I are with Agape, and so I will never be able to make his love go away. I will never be 'too bad" or 'too rebellious" to lose his grace. And thank God for that, because without his grace how on earth would I understand how to have grace for adoption? It is not easy to raise children and to put their needs above my own, but because of Jesus and HIS love and example, I CAN. Thank God that he is changing our hearts and making us new. We are his children. And Agape is mine. Grace abounds.

Wounds of Love

We were reminded last night that we have not been faithful bloggers again.  Things have been very busy here in the Shultz home, and taking time to blog has not been checked off the "To-Do" list yet.  Jen has actually been working on a blog post for awhile now.  I'm sorry to cut in and post before her, but today does call for one.

Thanksgiving is upon us (we are celebrating today), and I can say that we have a thankful heart for many things right now.  We should everyday of the year as well.  However, this morning we have received not so good news from the Congo relating to a few families adoptions that has left us with a heavy heart.  It is confirmed that at least one family will not be getting their children.  A message from them this morning read that they are missing, and pray that they have been adopted by someone else.  We haven't confirmed it yet, but another family might possibly not be getting their child either.

So yes I am thankful, but I have a heavy heart wearing me down today.  I believe that God himself feels this way over the situation too.  We still remember very clearly the "waiting" process in adoption.  Going through everyday fearing that you will hear terrible news, and it will all fall apart.  

I do not have many words of comfort for families going through this right now.  However, I always say that for everything in life there is a Rich Mullins song.  I am leaving it to him right now to comfort you all.  I often thought of one particular song when I was praying for Agape during our wait to go get her.  I think of this song for the families still waiting for their children, and for our future adoptive children.

Peace to you all who read this with a heavy heart.

A more moderate view on voting

Well if you weren't sure what today is before 5 seconds of checking your news feed on Facebook has reminded you that today is voting day.  I know that everyone has put a little bit (or lot of bit) of their own opinion in the matter, but after my most recent experiences I would like to offer you a more laid back, and hopefully refreshing view, of all the hype we call politics.

To be perfectly honest I almost didn't vote this year, and actually almost didn't vote during the 2008 election either.  To put all your minds at ease I did vote for both times, but let me share with you all why I almost did not participate.

To put it simply, I feel that people put too much stock into one man.  Too often do we blame one guy for our problems in this country, and expect one other man to fix them.  I have seen a land where one man has this much control over people, and the result is very different from what I see happening here in America.  In fact, it is our actions and reactions to another's view that causes more problems than any one president could ever strive for.  To sum up the pros and cons that I hear many people say about both candidates sounds like this:

Obama:  Pro - he's more vested in the people and is a more progressive thinker
              Con - he's a radical socialist, or Muslim terrorist that is pursuing his own agenda

Romney:  Pro - he's God inspired and wants to decrease the tax burden on people and create jobs
                Con - He's a hater of poor people and women and only wants to help the rich

These are a very simplified summarization of what I've frequently heard people describe each person, and I hope it's simple enough to show you that no one knows either candidate that well.  We only know how they are portrayed by our favorite news station.  Fighting for either of these two guys is not worth the disunity that follows.  Seeing this all around me (had to travel to another country to get away from it) made me want to be a part of it even less.  However, this is not the answer either.

Now, let me share with you why I did decide to vote this year.

First, and most importantly.  California Tortilla is giving a free taco to everyone who voted.  Let me say that I'm sorry, and I understand.  I'm sorry I didn't mention this earlier, and I understand if you want to stop reading right now and get your taco.  The blog will be here when you return.

Secondly, I believe it's the people who have the power to change this country for better or worse.  In the Congo it doesn't really matter if you are a hard working citizen, or a nonproductive loafer.  Neither changes society over there greatly, because of a disconnect from the government to the people.  In America, it matters greatly how you are contributing to the society.  Not only is it important to have a career that provides goods and services to the country, but it's also important to vested in making society better through our actions.  Care about others, and care enough that it causes a desire to help them.  This starts in your own home, and then spreads out to eventually the entire world.  This is how we can create a better American society.

Yes, voting for a good President is important, but he (or she) will be more inclined to follow the norm of the people.  Both candidates claim to give us what we want according to what we say is important or right.  The problem is that our society is not unified, and we typically want different things.  So I do encourage you to vote for the president who will do the best job, but after that you must do two things.  Get your free taco, and then take charge of making America better yourself.  Don't expect one man to do the job.

For all who have read this far I will not except any type of political debates or bashing of any person or view.  You may silently disagree, but my intention is not to hold any debate of this matter.  Comments that do this will be deleted.

Blessings to you.

A picture of LONELY

So here we are at home! It has been about 24 hours since we arrived and first walked Agape through the doorway into her new home! I can honestly say that she has been doing REMARKABLY well so far. We really thought last night was going to be harder for her, but she slept all night in her own bed, and woke up pretty happy. Awesome! She has met Auntie Erin and Unc Brett (because they live here), Grandmama and Grandpa Bill (because they brought us home from the airport), and Pop-Pop, Maw-Maw, Uncle Dakota, Aunt Tekes, and Aunt Seke (they came to visit this morning). She has been enthralled by all of her new toys, bedroom, the cats, the house, and everything that she has instantly acquired upon arrival to America. Let me tell you that compared to life in Kinshasa, our home is a mansion and we have way too much stuff. (that's the subject for another post, I tell you, because we sure DO have way too much stuff... Africa puts a lot into perspective) Well, our little girl has just been in thrill overdrive for the past day, and I have been wondering when it might all come crashing down. The answer is: Naptime. Arguably the hardest time of day for parents all over the world. Like any child, she does not want to nap, but still definitely NEEDS to. Well today I could see her winding down. This was the first full day that she has not had anyone around who speaks her own language. As I wrote about before, I knew this would be hard. Today she listened to a whole lotta conversation that sounded like gibberish to her, and then had her own Lingala conversations with her dolls while braiding their hair. When Dan was talking, he said some word that sounded like "Sifa" (Agape's dear friend who now lives in Tennessee) and she got all excited... and then sad when we had to tell her that, no, Sifa was not able to play with her today. Then nap time came, and she did NOT want to sleep. She fought us on it, and then broke down crying. The cry was sorta angry at first, but mostly sad. It has risen and fallen in intensity, but it has lasted for a while now. It is a cry that speaks of LONELY.

I want you all to get this picture, because I really do believe that I will never forget it: a beautiful African girl wearing a princess dress sitting on her colorful, fluffy, clean pottery barn comforter in the middle of a gorgeously painted bedroom full of toys...  staring into space, sobbing. Lonely. It is the picture of having everything, yet still being unfulfilled. If all that we could give her was these things - a house, pretty clothes, nice toys, a room to herself - it would NOT be enough. Thank God that adoption is about so much more than just bringing a child out of material poverty. We are giving her a family and a home, and all the love and belonging that comes with that. The problem is, this does not feel like home to her YET. And although we are technically a family, we have not yet been through thick and thin together. There is much more bonding to be done. Her family consists of those sweet friends who she said "Bye-yo!" to at the airport yesterday, and she is missing them A LOT right now.

So if you think of it, say a little prayer for our African Princess who is grieving today. This transition must happen. It is inevitable, and it is only just beginning. But it is still incredibly HARD. Hard for her and hard for us.

And, if you live near us and want to bring your kids over to play, please stop by this week... our girl needs some friends! She may be a little withdrawn at first, but along with the love of us as parents and family, she also needs the companionship that is unique to friendship with peers.

And most importantly, if your name is Sifa, Ye-Ye, or Lucy, Agape sends you a BIG HUG right now... and a whole lotta words in Lingala that I don't know how to spell!!! Ahlingy Yo MINGY!!!!

Thoughts from 43,000 ft

I am not sure who is more nervous right now... Agape or me. 

Strange words coming from someone who is as ecstatic about bringing our daughter home as I am! But yesterday - or whatever day the last day in Congo was - (since we have been on plane rides so long right now that I have lost track of today and yesterday... they kinda meld together) ... anyhow, the other day I really started to digest what was coming, and the gravity of the change ahead really hit me. I was sitting with Agape watching the Lion King, and she was especially happy, laughing and giggling. I love her laugh! But this time it sort of made me sad. I have been able to watch Agape interact with her friends and others all week, hear them chatter away, see her confidence as she speaks her mind in Lingala (bossy little thing that she can be sometimes), and watch them look like miniature Congolese women with all the loud African women mannerisms. They ramble on a mile a minute and are all animated with one another. I love this! Then contrast that with how she has to interact with us. Because she cannot communicate well due to a huge language barrier, she uses one word questions, two word sentences, and just laughs a lot as a main form of communication. Oh, and she has the word “NO” down pretty well, but I do not consider that a step “forward” necessirily, ha! But when she is upset about anything she only knows how to say “Ooooooo-mamamamamama....” The word “Mama” communicates that she needs something from me, but otherwise all she can do is cry and moan instead of discuss what she is feeling. And likewise, I cannot ask her what is wrong. I cannot explain to her why I am asking her to do something... or sometimes I can’t even communicate what I am asking her to do. I can’t prepare her for what is coming up, or tell her why it is “going to be OK” when she is upset. She seems like she goes from being a very capable and confident 5 year old in her language, to starting over socially as a helpless 2 year old who struggles to get a grasp on her world. The maturity level - because the coping mechanism of conversation is stressed - reverts. This is so hard for me to see.

OK, OK, OK... I know what so many people are thinking: “Oh, but she will get it soon!” “She will be able to pick it up so fast!” “Love is the universal language. All she needs is hugs and smiles!” “Just act out what you are trying to say, and you will be fine.” Yes, all these things are true, but it is still such a hard process to weather, especially when you are a talker like my daughter and I. In some ways it is like trying to communicate with Justice (our baby boy). 

But now this language barrier is taken to a new level... because we are leaving the land of people who can bring her comfort in her own tongue. We are leaving behind anyone and everyone who could be called to translate when she is freaking out and screaming one word over and over but we have no idea what it means. This is not like french or Spanish where I can just use a google app to translate for me... this is Lingala people. Try to find a Rosetta stone on THAT! When we separate with Agape’s friends in the airport in a few short hours, she will never again have a full-on conversation in Lingala. Never! Gone. It will all be different from here on out. In a way, she will be socially isolated for a little while now. The little Congolese girl that I know is going to go through a transformation and she will inevitably come out different for it. This realization hit me like a ton of bricks. I feel for her so much! I don’t know how well I would take this if I was in her shoes! Can you imagine ladies?

And then I get nervous for me, because the social isolation goes two ways. I have so enjoyed getting to know my daughter through people who could help translate what she is saying. I love to hear her rattle off something to me, her big eyes looking all excited, and knowing that somehow I can get someone to help me figure out her message. I have loved everyone helping me learn a little Lingala so that I can make Agape feel a little more comfortable and understood. She gets so tickled when we speak to her in her language. :) It is THE love language for her, and has been major in our bonding. If we can meet her halfway, then she does not feel so alone. We can speak straight to her heart. 

One of the other families is adopting two sisters... so however long it takes to learn English, at least they can find solace in one another. It will not be quite as “cold turkey” for them. I wish I could give that to Agape. Unfortunately, she is going have to just dive in and learn how to swim no matter how cold the water! This mama is hurting for her girlie.

So, that’s why I am nervous. I mean, what kind of socio-emotional impact does this have on a kid? Ok, so that sounds dramatic. OK, so it IS dramatic. But hey, I am a mom, and I seriously wonder about those things! I can’t possibly be alone, right? I kind of feel like this was the area of least preparation in our adoption homework and prep courses. We are ready for emotional trauma and acting out. She could even start throwing knives, and I can honestly say that I have read a chapter on it somewhere telling me step-by-step what to do. But I feel at a loss for specifics on how to help Agape learn English. I know that is will eventually “just happen” but there has to a “best” way for me to help.  :) 

And if you have the answer and you feel so inclined, can you do me a favor and write a book on it? That way all of us adoptive families who have children coming from lands of obscure languages can have some idea of what we are doing to help ourselves and our children cross that daunting “great divide” of the spoken word!

The Kinshasa Airport: A Survival Guide

We are IN. THE. AIR. WITH. OUR. DAUGHTER. Oh my goodness, I can hardly believe that I am typing these words. If you have never adopted from Congo, you have no idea the relief and emotion behind this realization! I hremember reading in the blogs of a few families that have gone before us that they felt as though thay had just escaped with their lives. I thought they were just being dramatic. Well, you can officially call me a drama-mamma... but at least you can call me a MOMMA, cause we got OUT! All day long we have been singing the lingala song “Yesu Azali Awa” to keep our minds focused on the reality that “Jesus is here.” I have so needed to hear these words. The last 24 hours have been chaotic beyond what I can talk about here, but let me just say that it makes us all that much more grateful to be heading HOME. Congo is a very messy place, there is a lot of corruption, and nothting goes as it “should.” Instead, it is more like an adventure movie or murder mystery book. Adoptions are no exception. But by the grace of God we are headed home, and with every air mile behind us, my sanity, peace, and love for the good parts of Congo is returning. 

So while everything is still fresh in my mind, I want to write a quick list of “helpful info” for other families who will be traveling soon, and who need to fly out of the Kinshasa airport to get home. We flew Ethiopian air, and have LOVED their service so far. The dreamliner direct flight between DC and Addis, Ethiopia is easpecially nice. And by the way, they have the BEST airline food in the world, and they feed you multiple times! Considering you are stuck in the plane for almost 24 hours total, eating helps to pass the time at least! Dan says that he feels like a well fed prisoner.  ;)  

Anyhow... some thoughts on going through the Kinshasa airport:

1. First of all, if you and your hubby or wife don’t work well as a team.... don’t adopt from Congo!  :)  If you can work together, stay on top of multiple things going on around you all at once in other languages, and divide and conquer, then you have won half the battle already. Proceed!
2. Plan a travel bag of fun. This is a no-brainer to moms everywhere, but it is worth mentioning. Make it a bag that your child can carry themselves if they are old enough.   One less bag for you! We also brought a “stuffed animal pillow thing” that has a compartment inside where we stashed a small blanket. Our daughter used these while we were in country, so they became a “comfort item” that she can love on when on the long flight home. In my opinion it helps the sleeping to have a familiar snuggle item. Also pack snacks (although Ethiopian feeds you WELL! They keeps the food and drinks coming!), germX, wipeums, pull ups, tissues, some folded pieces of TP (for the lovely airport bathroom discussed below), gum or something chewey for takeoff, and children’s benedryl/ motion sickness chewables just in case. Beyond just crayons and coloring books: beads and string, water color paints, stickers, slinky, silly putty, playdough, and children’s books/magazines are great. We are not big fans of electronic gadgets for young children, and especially for adopted kids who can benefit from fine motor practice and one-on-one interaction. That is why we chose not to bring any kind of “video game things” or whatever they are called these days... but if you are all for them, then these would of course be handy! Leap pad would be especilly nice.
3. You will be SOAKED with sweat before you have even entered the airport. Do yourself a favor and wear shorts and short sleeves. We had been told by our agency that we should only pack capris, pants, ankle length skirts, and overly modest shirts. This was not true... plenty of Europeans here wear shorts or knee length skirts. Now, we wouldn’t suggest going for a miniskirt or booty shorts or anything (under any circumstances anywhere, for that matter!) but some comfy shorts and a T shirt or tank would be just fine. And while we are talking about clothes, we suggest packing two sets for you and your child. Also, pack some pull-ups no matter how old your child is. You never know what can happen on a plane ride. We had an older child with us who had an accident. Fortunately her momma was prepared.  :)  Better safe and dry than wet and sorry!
4. Hire your own transport to the airport and make sure you book it for at least 1 hour BEFORE you actually want to leave. We had a 2:00 flight, and we booked our transport for 9:00. We did not actually leave till 10:30. Traffic is VERY variable, so you should plan on at least an hour travel time. Then it takes about an hour and a half at the airport to pay the exit tax, check your bags, fill out exit cards, get through DGM (“immigration” AKA “intimidation”), and go through security. Once you are at the gate you need to plan on them beginning boarding pretty early... they hand-search your carry on bags again and pat you down before boarding. Then you are bussed out to the plane. All in all, quite a process, and - like EVERYTHING in Africa - it takes time! We got to our gate with only about 15 minutes to spare before we lined up to board. 
5. When you get to the airport, make it very clear in no uncertain terms to your driver and the many men who will flock to your van if you do not want others to carry your bags. They will just grab them and do it, but it is definitely for a price, and once they have done it, they pick the price for you! You just FORCEFULLY say no as man times as you need to, then grab your bags yourself and take charge. They cannot force you to let them carry the bags, but they are aggressive and once they have started you are sort of stuck with it. They want to charge $5-10 per bag! And they do NOT take $1 bills. Just be forwarned! (all of this info goes for arrival too... the men in jumpsuits are not trying to be helpful to you, they just want to charge you a high price to carry a bag a few feet, LOL.)
6. We had someone from our agency walking us through the process. This was very helpful, if you have the option. However, we believe that the most helpful part was that they had “friends” there it seems. Hard to say because we cannot understand the language. All we know is that the head of homeland security (or something like that) walked us through with a lot of head nodding. Not sure how we should feel about that, but it got us through and out, and so we can’t complain. We saw him doing it for lots of others as well too, though. This is Africa, after all. If you don’t have connections, you don’t have anything. In any case, having a Congolese guide who can accompany you through the process is GREAT because we don’t speak French and no one here speaks English. You do the math! 
7. Don’t zip tie your bags or tape them ahead of time. They will make you open them all before checking them anyway, and they do not have a way to break your ties; If all of your sharp objects are already stowed safely inside of the ziptied bags, then neither do you. This really holds up the show. We all learned that lesson the hard way.  :)  You can pay $10 a bag to have them seriously Saran wrapped after checking them, which is way more secure anyway. Just pay the money and go with that.
8. It is very helpful to go through as a GROUP if you can. I cannot imagine doing it alone. Safety and support in numbers. 
9. Have a good way to carry all important documents, like a great travel organizer that straps on. When you pay your exit tax they give you a receipt called a “go pass” that you CANNOT lose. You need it to board. You will also want your yellow fever card, passport, and boarding pass handy. And cash, of course.
10. Security is nothing like in the US. In Congo you just put your bags through a scanner and you walk through a scanner... without taking out your laptop or your nicely ziplocked travel sized liquids or throwing out your water bottles or taking off your belt or shoes or coat. In fact, we took all quantities of liquids through with us. Full water bottles, juice boxes, and all. Not one word. So I guess air travel regulations are not universal? Once again, it made our lives easier, so we are not complaining! Our kiddos had water to drink at the gate, and after all that sweating through the airport process, that was priceless! In any case, all this is to say that you do not have to worry about hurriedly gulping down all your liquids before security... it is not necessary, and will only make you have to pee! :)
11. On the subject of pee... the bathrooms here leave much to be desired. They do not have paper, and the sink needs to be turned on by the water valve below. They guy who attends the bathroom wants payment too, or will ask you for things you are carrying. I would definitely go in a group, and bring your own TP just in case.
12. There is a small restaurant and souvenir shop at the gate. The souvenirs are pretty nifty, but definitely more than you wouldpay elsewhere. Still, if you forgot a gift for grandma, this is a convenient last chance to pick up something nice. We did not buy from the restaurant (packed out own lunch/snacks) so I cannot comment on that.
13. Don’t whip out the camera! For whatever reason, this is a VERY touchy issue here. They have a big problem with people taking pictures and video in public. It is quite serious actually, and there are guards everywhere. The one place that you don’t want any extra attention or trouble is in the airport on your way out! Just use discretion, if you must. 
14. Once you are on the plane, ENJOY! Whip out your travel bag of fun games or toys and thank the Good Lord Almighty that you are officially on your way HOME!!!

Whelp, that’s about all that I can think of... If you have travelled through Congo and have something to add, please feel free to put it in a comment below. And all you who have yet to travel, GODSPEED!!! We will be prayign you through as well. After all, as great as the head of homeland security is, God is the one who builds families... HE is the most important “connection” you could ever have! 

Daddy's girl

Well, today was our official last full day in the Democratic Republic of Congo. Crazy. Cannot believe that tomorrow at this time we will be on our last flight from Ethiopia to DC! I had hoped that today could just be another lazy day filled with family and friend fellowship, but it actually was pretty busy. It was a very unusual day in many ways, but still very good. First of all, we spent most of the day apart. A new family arrived yesterday late at night, and today they went to the orphanage of one of their sons to meet him. Dan went with them to get photos and video for them, and also to meet some of the other children. This was the same orphanage that Agape came from - where she got the Jiggers - and so we had absolutely no desire to take her back there to visit. Can you imagine what she would have thought or felt? NOT a good idea! One of the other families that we have met who is here adopting (through another agency) took their little girl to visit her orphanage today... they said that it was BAD! Their poor girl was SO UPSET! She thought for sure they were taking her back. They said they had never seen her so happy as when they were pulling back into the guest house. We did not want to put Agape through that, so we decided that Dan would go and I would stay back with Agape. This was hard for me because I really longed to see the place that was a part of so much of Agape's past and obviously shaped much about who she is. He got pics and video so I could experience it virtually... and I was not missing much, believe me. In any case, the day became a loooooong story and series of unfortunate events (of which we cannot speak... private info), but in the end Dan ended up being gone from 10:30 am till around 6:00 pm!

It was hard for us to spend our last day in Congo apart, but good came from this! First, Dan was able to be there in a tough time for another family. This was God orchestrated, and we are so thankful that Dan was able to be a help. Second, we had a great breakthrough with Agape. So, here's how our day went...

Basic morning routine: breakfast at 7:30, shower, silly time, get dressed, more silly time, walked to market (for the last time!) to get rice for the orphanage and a day's worth of avocados for the kids (they LOVE them!), and Dan leaves for orphanage. As soon as he leaves I catch up on some emailing, and then start major packing. Agape plays and entertains herself for a long while, and then I pop in the Lion King (her new favorite movie!) while I finish up the last of the packing. We take a break for lunch time and play time with friends out under the big shade trees... and grasshopper hunting ensues. Everyone is having fun until it is just about nap time. By this time Dan has been gone for 3 1/2 hours. Agape has asked a few times for him, and I kept telling her to wait, that he would be coming back soon. We figured they would be back around this time, but they aren't, so I figure that we might as well head up to the room for nap. Agape is especially excited to go to nap... and by especially excited, I mean, she was laughing and running up the stairs to our room. Would you be surprised if I told you that this is NOT the way "the long walk up to naptime" usually goes? Well, it didn't take me long to figure out that she thought Dan was going to be up in the room when we got there, and THAT is why she was excited. So sad to find he was still not there. (and all the suitcases are definitely making her nervous) Well, before any sort of meltdown could occur, I restarted Lion King from where we left off, and she happily finished. As soon as it was over she rolled over, looked at me, and said "Papa?" OK, so I was obviously not being very successful with the distraction. I told her "First lala (sleep in Lingala), the Papa will be back." Wouldn't you know the girl just rolled back over laid her head down and went to sleep, just like that. Boom. MAN, she must be missing Papa for nap time to be that easy! Of course, then he still wasn't there upon wake-up. Momma just could not deliver today, and I was so worried that she was going to freak out. Fortunately, she seemed to understand that he was coming LATER. - Zelah is the lingala word for "wait" and we are VERY familiar with it by now!  :) - When Papa finally did come back, our girl was the happiest that I have seen her so far. We celebrated with an all out tickle fight with lots of hugs and kisses. Good stuff!

OK, so what's the big deal? She misses dad. Pretty normal huh? Well for us, this is HUGE! From the very first day, she has had trouble trusting Dan. It seems all the girls have a bit of a struggle bonding with the dads actually (draw your own conclusions, there... and they are probably true). But if you know Dan, you know how deeply he loves. He wants to POUR OUT AFFECTION on his baby girl like nothing else. She is his princess, love at first sight. A few days ago I went to the store, and apparently she wailed from the time I left till the time that I came back, not wanting Papa to get anywhere near her and ONLY crying out for MAMA. The past few days she has been less and less guarded with him, and had responded better every day, even initiating lots of affection now. What a change from rejecting his hand for the first few days. Well today seals the deal. She LOVES her Papa! And now she has seen that even though he goes away sometimes, he still comes back. And even better, when he comes back, he has lots of love stored up to give her!!! I know this will continue to be a struggle for her for a long time. Trust is not built in a week. But a stone has been laid. And each day we will add another and another. And one day trust will be built strong enough to withstand some storms.

Last night we made the mistake of stepping outside the door to our room and into the hallway to greet the new family. Apparently when we were out there talking, Agape woke up, saw we weren't in the room, and just started crying. She didn't come looking, didn't come screaming, just quietly cried to herself. She thought we were gone. When we came back in it took a long time of hugging and reassuring to settle her down. Oh my dear child, we will never leave you like that! You will not be abandoned again! This is how fragile her heart is right now... but we shall keep on loving her with all we have in us till she is strong!

Oh SO MANY spiritual applications that I could make here... so much of myself and my orphan heart that I see in this girl. So much more that I understand about God's love and my adoption as HIS CHILD. But I will leave you with this...

John 14:18 "I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you."

Yup, that's us too, you know.

So tomorrow we will be flying back "home". Home for us... soon-to-be-home for Agape. There is so much more I want to write about my thoughts and feelings on this huge transition ahead for my sweet, oblivious little lady. Man, she has no clue what's coming. But it is late, and my last cold Congolese shower awaits. Plus Dan wants to post. We have to share the computer these days. Hard to type a blog post on an iPhone, handy as those smartphones are. :) Goodnight all... see you on the OTHER side of the ocean!

A happy post for a happy day!

Not sure if it is the fact that we only have one more day here in Congo, the security of knowing that we have our exit papers in-hand, or the excitement of seeing HOME very soon.... but we have actually begun to enjoy our time in Congo lately. Not "having a blast" or anything too crazy like that, but just a general sense of happiness. We have found our "groove" so to speak, and it has made the last few days go soooooo much faster! So in keeping with this happy theme, we have decided that it is time for post about the things that we have enjoyed about our time in Congo. So here goes... my "Top Ten Happy List" for things here in Kinshasa, Congo:

10. St Annes is a lovely place to stay! Yes, there is no hot water, the mosquitos are fierce, and the free breakfast leaves MUCH to be desired (unless you reaaaaaaaally like white bread, AKA Leepah with spreadable cheese), BUT the staff is so sweet, they keep the place clean, it feels quite safe, there is semi-functioning internet most of the time, the back yard is perfect for children to run and play, and the rooms are actually very nice ... especially for Africa! For the past week Dan and I have had a king size bed all to ourselves. OK, so it is the most uncomfortable (not an exaggeration) mattress that I have ever slept on, but it is a BIG uncomfortable mattress! The beds are canopy with mosquito nets ... functional and pretty.  :) Dan likes the air conditioning. I like that we have such a great view from the third floor, and that we get those nifty concerts that I wrote about before through the air vents everyday. Plus, since I cannot go for a run, those flights of stairs are the most exercise that I get all day, and I love them. They are a great way for Agape to learn how to count in English, too! (there are 55 stairs going to our room) All in all, if you ever need to stay in Kinshasa, we highly recommend St Annes. It is right across from US Embassy, the UN headquarters, and a pretty comprehensive market that is like a mini Congo-Walmart. Plus, it is right by the river (great view) and in a nicer part of town. OH, and if you ever come here.... don't forget to go up on the roof! The view rocks! Just keep going past the 3rd floor, and swing open the door with the cement block in front (which is only there because the latch is broken). GREAT view from the roof of Brazzeville across the river too!

9. The people we have met. First of all, the group of families that we travelled with has been AWESOME. Such a source of companionship and comfort through this hard time. We have had so much fun together! Also, the people we have met at breakfast at St Annes and some of the adoptive families from other agencies who are also staying here. This is apparently a very happenin' adoption place to stay, as there are 7 adoptive families here right now! Also, the other guests who we talk with at breakfast. We just love meeting new people and hearing their stories! Finally, the St Annes staff and the woman who last cared for Agape before we came. These people are all so wonderful, and we have loved knowing them!

8. The slower pace. Well... OK, trust be told, I have a love/hate relationship with this. I would like to be a little more busy and go for a MAJOR RUN, but hey, I could use some down time in my life, so I have been trying to embrace it. But honestly, this has allowed for some GREAT bonding time with Agape and lots of fun time building relationships with the other families. I cannot remember another time in my life recently where I literally had NO agenda for this long. CRAZY! It has been hard by good to get on Africa time. But I can definitely get on board with their punctuality, or lack thereof! By Congo standards, I am ridiculously early for things, which is probably the only time in life when this will be true, so I better enjoy it! LOL

7. Going shopping. OK, this subject deserves its own separate post in and of itself. Shopping is a PROCESS and it is crazy! If you cannot be tough, the peddlers will drain you dry. Getting a decent price and making a successful purchase is an art form! It actually gets kinds fun... I'll write about it sometime! But we go to the market down the road at least once a day, and it is definitely one of the highlights of my day, since I get to "get out" from the walls for a bit. Feels good to be on the move a little bit!!!!

6. The predictability. My in-room concerts every day in the afternoon and evening. The dog fight outside our room at midnight every night. The men who desperately try to see us many things every time we walk through the front door of the guest house. Breakfast with friends each morning... loso, leepah, betah-ne, or pizza with every meal! A trip to the market in the afternoon. Agape's long nap. Evenings with the kids all together. There is an order and rhythm to our days now, and it is nice.

5. The weather: 80some degrees in the day, 70some degrees at night. Every day and night. And very few places have air conditioning to freeze me with! This summer girl is in her glory! :)  The sun is warm, the rains are not bad, and We get to resurrect all of our fave summer clothes to wear. SCORE! In the day, the backyard under the shade trees is the place to be. It is so cool with a little breeze drifting along and lizards climbing the trees. Very pleasant!

4. Learning Lingala. The language really is quite beautiful. An odd mixture between French and Swahili. It has the smoothness of French, but the fun swahili syllables that bounce back an forth inside your mouth. The mannerisms and tones that surround the speaking is the best part. These girls are so funny when they talk, and Dan and I have learned so much about how to speak Lingala, so we have been thankful for the ability to immerse ourselves in something new!

3. Hearing the girls speak Lingala amongst themselves... they sound so funny! They babble on and on with each other in very animated ways, using all kinds of sounds and body language, just as the adults do. These girls could go and barter at the Old Market, I am sure! It will be sad for me to not be able to listen to this anymore. I pray that Agape does not totally lose it. It is a treasure, and I am sad that after these next few days I will probably never see my daughter speaking fluently - naturally - in her native tongue again.

2. The FRUIT! Bananas, mangoes, papaya, avocado, pineapple.... all FRESH CUT locally. Amazing taste sweetness. It gets no better people. The flavor is just ROCKIN. Not looking forward to going back to the land of "fall-winter" UGH. Love me some fresh tropical fruits!!!!

1. NUMBER 1 MOST AWESOME THING: Today was the first day with ZERO meltdowns or tantrums! No crying! No pouting! It was amazing. ALL SMILES AND SINGING AND LAUGHTER! Agape stayed with Dan while I went to market, we played memory, colored, played, and ate with friends without pitching a fit about something. She responded well to BOTH Dan and I both when we gave directions, and she was - dare I say - happy and obedient today! How awesome! We both can tell that we have really gained a lot of her trust now, and she knows that we mean business when ask her to do something. That being said... she will probably test our limits tomorrow, BUT the fact remains that today was just plain fun. We love seeing her so happy and beginning to trust our love as parents. THIS is what it's all about people. :)

Happy Wednesday to you all! God bless!

Too many thoughts on a slow connection

I wish I had enough time and words to explain everything I'm thinking about right now.  The past two days have given me great hope and joy, along with sorrow and despair.

Let's focus on the hope and joy part right now.  Agape has been having a much better time with us.  Yesterday holds a memory of her biggest melt down yet.  Started off as minor: all the families had planned to walk down the street to get food at the market.  Agape was having a "listening problem," and we decided that she needed to stay back with me while Jen went with the other families.  We had hoped that Agape would straighten out her attitude quickly and her and I could meet everyone at the market.

Plan failed.  Shortly after Jen left, Agape went into the worst fit I have seen from her yet.  Noticing very quickly that she was actually upset and scared by Jen leaving, I tried my best to comfort her.  Agape didn't want to be held by me.  It actually made her even more upset.  I realized what was happening.  Agape was left alone with a male, and she was in trouble.  My most gentle love was made worthless by the hands of some other male at some point in her life.

Wait, what do you mean this doesn't sound like hope and joy?

Don't worry, Jen did come back (although it felt like forever), and when she did Agape ran to her immediately.  As soon as Jen held her for a few moments Agape quickly settled down.  She realized that Jen was not abandoning her, and that I had not hurt her.  We told her that we love her so much, that we are her Mama and Papa, and that she is our daughter forever.  She actually seemed to understand that.

Following this incident we were able to enjoy well over 24 hours of problem free time from Agape.  I've never heard her laugh so much or smile so big.  We're winning her heart and trust.  She did end the night tonight by going to bed without story time because she refused to brush her teeth, but compared to yesterday this was a piece of cake.  As Agape is starting to learn English, and we are barely getting by with Lingala, we are learning that she is a sassy girl that takes no junk from nobody.  We love that about her, but hope we can teach her to use it more appropriately.

As for all the troubling thoughts inside my head right now.  I can only say that the orphan crisis in Congo is really bad and complicated.  I've seen a lot of the city, and can see that things around here will not change quickly or easily.  I'm starting to realize more about the kind of life that my daughter has lived before coming to us.  So much more I may never understand about this land and its people.  As I think more about this city, I can see that it is a more exaggerated view of the way we all live from time to time (some more than others obviously).  To make myself more clear I will tell you a shirt I saw a Congolese guy wearing today.  It read

"To love oneself is to begin a lifetime of romance."

Many people all over the world live exactly as this shirt says.  Sad to say, Kinshasa is a city with many in it acting just like that shirt.  Take care, my friends, to not let yourselves be given to selfishness like this.  I've seen it ruin a city.

Blessings to you all.

A familiar desire for peace (a post by Jen)

For the first time since we came to Congo, it is quiet in our room. We are on the third floor of a Catholic guest house, St Annes, in Kinshasa. Our ceilings are about 15 feet high, and at the top is a screened opening in the concrete for air flow. This lets in not only air, but also rain, mosquitos, and sound. Outside of our window we can look down on a beautiful, green courtyard furnished with palm trees, flowers, and a statue of Jesus. A literal picture of tranquility. All around the guest house and gardens is a high cement wall to keep all the craziness that lies just beyond the gate on the outside. One might think that this walled in enclave would be still and serene, and to the eye alone, it is! But add the sense of hearing, and the picture is completely changed. The sounds of the chaos outside come floating over the walls and charging through our screened windows both day and night. In the morning, instead of being awoken by chirping birds, it sounds as if masses of people are standing just outside our window, loudly shouting and bartering and laughing and driving - all fighting to be heard above the crowd. A literal sea of sound echoing up from the 10 million people who compete to call this city home. It is surreal how close and real it sounds, as if our room has been surrounded! Think times square on a loudspeaker right in your bedroom. 

Then from every afternoon till late into the night we get our own private concert that never ends. First it is what sounds like an orchestra playing all kinds of music. Truly, it is so loud, we can feel the vibrations! The crazy part is, we have yet to figure out where it is coming from. This music cannot be heard on ground level because of all the other buildings and walls (EVERYTHING is surrounded by its own thick, tall cement wall with rolls of barbed wire stretched across the top). We can hear it because we are up above most of the normal sound barriers, where the music can drift uninterrupted above the rooftops. It is very beautiful, but definitely makes afternoon naps a bit hard! At night there is definitely a party going on somewhere down there! Sometimes it is the orchestra music again, sometimes it is reggea, and sometimes it is something with a clubbing beat. Last night - saturday night - the music was an all out concert with people cheering, horns blowing, and bass thumping. This went on well past midnight.

They say that New York is the city that never sleeps, but I have to say that it ain’t got nothin on Congo! No matter what time it is, there is SOMETHING going on in that huge concrete jungle spread out below our window.

But today is Sunday. Times square has given way to the sweet, sweet sound of birds and church choirs. This is a rare time, and I am soaking it up.

You see, in Congo, peace is rare. For years and years now the country has been at war. War with itself through rebel groups and upsrisings, and war with its neighbors. Every rebel group or war lord is fighting for power, wealth, and position, and most of the time, the ones who suffer most are the masses. But the masses themselves are also entrenched in a similar battle: they each are seeking earnestly to make a place and a name for themselves, or at least to just survive in a country that can be very harsh. Life is a constant straining to be heard above that sea of voices. The government seeks only its own good, and the people, each just trying to survive, do likewise. In the end, no one comes out the winner. Each person lies and is lied to. No one can trust another person. We have been told by almost every Congolese we have met here “I never trust anyone, that’s just how it is.” Walls of self preservation are erected to try to keep the crazy hurt and chaos out... but just like the walls around St Annes, these walls are decieving. Self preservation appears like peace and security, but it is really a pit of loneliness. And those walls are not keeping chaos out; really they are trapping it inside.

This is how I can best explain my daughter right now. She wants so much to be safe and secure, to be fed and cared for, to have a place and a name. But she wants to do it herself. She is very unsure about trusting anyone else to help her. She has been lied to. She has been hurt. She has been abused. She has been “on her own” for most of her life. And those who were supposedly “caring for her” were not. In an orphanage, the children look out for one another, but they do it in a way that mimics the adults: the ones who are stronger get to be in charge, and bossiness rules the day. So what does my child know of childish innocence? Of parental security? Of what love truly means? Taking down the walls is just too much of a risk. The noise that has completely enveloped her life up until this point is just too loud. She’d rather have fake tranquil - pretend control, just like that ineffective garden wall around St Annes - then risk facing the chaos that could come from the vulnerability of love.

And don’t I just understand that perfectly? Don’t I do that too? God knows exactly what I am going through as a parent who desprately wants my child to love and trust me. I will not hurt her, and I know that! But she does not believe it yet. She might not like the things that I am asking her to do or the times that I say NO, but they truly are for HER GOOD. But how can she KNOW for sure? Isn’t this the same parenting that I resent God for at times, and so I put up walls of mistrust around my own heart? 

Yes, I know the struggle my daughter is facing... the difference is that she has good reason not to trust us, and I have every reason to trust God. Almost every adult in her life until now has left her, lied to her, or let her down. God has NEVER left me, lied to me, or let me down! His plans have always proven good in test of time! So that is what we need to accomplish for our daughter... to weather the test of time, and show her that our actions can prove what we profess. We love her, she can trust us to care for her, we will not hurt her. These are the basics. We are happy to start right THERE, and everything else will follow. 

So... for an update, today was mostly good. Better than yesterday, at least! We are slowly making progress on winning her heart. We will take every small victory that we can get and rejoice in it. The worst part of today was after nap (she obviously NEEDS a nap, but when she wakes up she is NOT a happy camper). Well, she lost the chance to go out to the store with us, so I went and Dan stayed behind with her. She knew that she was in trouble, but she was going to try to test the longevity of our resolve. I really think she thought that we would just give in and take her with us if she pouted enough. Apparently, literally as soon as I left she started screaming for me, and kept this up until I got back... which was about 40 minutes later. I came in and she was moaning and crying “ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma!” As soon as I went over and picked her up and wiped the tears that had been streaming down her sweet face, she stopped. After a few moments, she smiled, got up, helped make dinner, and loved on her papa for the rest of the night! It can change that quickly. Papa did not leave in the screaming (he did not pay attention to the behavior either) and mama came back. For tonight, we pass the trust test. Her smiles, laughter, and open interaction for the rest of the evening is our great reward, and we will take it. Just like the Sunday quiet outside, for tonight, we have peace inside of our room as well. Peace sounds a lot like the laughter of a beautiful African girl. It is a sweet, sweet sound, and we are soaking it up.  :)  Because tomorrow is another day... and It’s a Monday! 

The beginning of the end

As many of you may already know from our Facebook posts we received our Exit Letter this evening.  That means that we are able to leave the country with Agape!  This is obviously very exciting news for us, but at the same time a little sad.  We've loved spending time with our new friends, and their children as well.  We've had to work together so strongly to make this trip doable at times.  I can say very honestly that without their help this trip would have been a whole lot rougher.

Now we await to hear back from our travel agent to see if our flight can be advanced so we can get our of here earlier.  The flight schedule being what it is our only two options would be flying out later in the day on Sunday, or any time on Tuesday.  All the other days before Thursday (our current flight date) are not available.

So now this marks the beginning of the end of our time in the Congo.  The trip as been very rewarding in many ways aside from finally getting our daughter.  The Congo has taught us a lot about ourselves as an American culture, and as an American Christian.  I've already spilled my thoughts on these in other blog posts this week, so I won't repeat those.  We've also been blessed to see how many charitable organizations (most faith based) are working in the Congo to help better the people here.  However, we couldn't be more ready to go home.  We miss the life we've left behind.  We haven't been gone quite a week yet, but our experience here has been a little on the sheltered side (for safety reasons).  It is a very defeating feeling to know that it is not safe outside a small radius of places to go.

Another beginning of an end came later after dinner with Agape.  She became angry and through her sunglasses on the floor.  Jen and I instructed her to come back, and pick them up.  She looked back for a minute, and weighed her options to "listen" or "disobey".  Remembering the incident that happened before dinner where we had another melt down.  Without making a seen Agape ran over, picked up the sunglasses, place them in my hand, and then went back to playing.

We pray this is the beginning of the end of that behavior.

Also pray for one of the daughters here.  We had noticed a wound on the back of her arm that we wanted to have checked out by a local nurse.  This morning the wound was not looking right to me, and sure enough it was what we all hated to hear.  She had a jigger in her arm.  We hoped they were all gone now that the rainy season had started, but one remained.  Hopefully it is only one.  The jigger was removed, but it was very painful.  I checked the wound tonight before bed, and was amazed at how much it had healed.  The look of fear that this poor girl gave me as I looked at the area really bothered me.  These children have gone through too much here in this country, and it's time we started a new life with them.

Blessings to all.

Daddy's little girl

So to start off with some exciting news.  Another adoptive family has just arrived to join us, and has their child.  He is a six year old (possibly younger) boy who Jen and I considered adopting ourselves.  Though now we would not trade him for Agape under any circumstance, he is a pretty funny kid.  What is so hilarious is that he's not trying to be funny.  I've never met such a serious child in my entire life.  However, I am a little concerned that he has connections with the mafia.  I will be staying on his good side.  Anyway, this new family has adopted before and lived to talk about it.  We will gleaning their learned wisdom.

Today was an overall difficult day for Agape.  She had her moments of happiness, playing and laughing like the girl we fell head over heels for.  Her and I had a wonderful time playing with her baby dolls, and I proudly say, I enjoyed every second of it.  She is even just starting to accept the English language.  Not truly speaking it yet, but practicing with many words.

Those were her happy times.  The times in between were not so sweet and sentimental.  The first one happened this morning after breakfast.  Agape was washing up to get dressed.  Now, these girls can't get enough of running water.  It's the first time they've ever had it.  So, washing up time usually becomes play time where water gets everywhere.  Agape had her time of fun, and it was time to get dressed.  When she refused to stop, I simply turned the water off.

Like a normal little girl, this caused a temper-tantrum.  She dropped to the floor screaming and yelling, in Lingala no less.  I could tell she was faking her cry, so Jen and I just let her be for a few minutes to see if she would bring herself out of this.  She didn't, so finally I picked her up off the floor, wrapped the towel around her, and just held her in my lap.  That's when her real tears came.

I felt her head fall against my shoulder, weeping with sadness.  She was broken, and I was broken.  I usually try to play a pretty tough nonemotional guy, but this girl seems to see right through me.  As she cried in my lap I could feel the years of pain, loneliness, insecurity, mistrust, and all the other feelings an orphan builds up over the years just flow out of her.  The scars of her past are very apparent both on the outside and inside.

No father wants his child to experience this, and yet my little girl has known only this for the 4+ years she's been alive.  I must remember, that this is the Gospel.  God heard our cries of brokenness, and wouldn't stand for it.  He sent us Jesus as our comfort.  He took the shame we felt from being orphaned by him.  He broke through the wall that was built around our hearts to keep him out.  Now through His Love for us we mustn't feel sad any longer.

It is because of this Hope that calls us to adopt.  To see the everlasting Love of God being played out in our world through adoption is the best picture of salvation that we have.

A similar incident happened during dinner, where we had to bring her up to the room and replay the same event.  This is very hard to deal with, and certainly not fun, but it is a normal and necessary part of adoption.  Plus, we claim victory tonight.  For there is a wall built around Agape's heart to protect her from being hurt.  But after today, there is a crack in that wall.  Eventually this wall will crumble.

The night did end well.  We read her a story, looked at pictures of home, and tried to finish the night with a Bible story, but she fell asleep half way through it.  Now we rest and prepare for another day with our African Love.

Blessings to you all.