Tonight.... was beautiful.
I want to remember it, so I need to write about it and share it with you.
Tonight started off as challenging for 2 reasons. First, I spent the morning sick in bed. Just feeling pretty nauseous and wiped. (Now my sister and grandmother are also sick... must have shared germs at Thanksgiving, yum!) Second, Dan is working the night shift, so I was on my own for afternoon, dinner, and bed routines for the kids. We usually double-team it to cover both kiddos simultaneously at bedtime, so I had to get a little creative to make tonight flow for both Justice's bottle feeding and Agape's bed routine. I am still feeling pretty wiped, so I was ready for bed before any of the kids were, but we still had to do bottles, teeth brushing, and books. The usual.
This is when it got sweet. Agape and I sat on the floor and did an I-Spy book while I fed Justice on my lap. Then it was time to climb into bed to read our nightly Bible story. Usually I climb in next to her to read. Tonight I put Justice on the pillow beside Agape so that I could hold the bottle in one hand and the Bible in the other... and hope to avoid excess air bubbles for Justice while not losing my place for Agape. Basic momma work.
Midway through the story Justice finished and I removed the bottle. Instead of protesting the end of the milk supply, he immediately rolled toward Agape, snuggled his face into her chest, and fell asleep without a single wimper or complaint. Agape put her arm around him and snuggled right in as I finished her story.
The part of the story that I was reading went like this:
"Jesus knew that God would always love and watch over the world he had made - everything in it - birds, flowers, tree, animals, everything! And most of all, his children. Even though people had forgotten, the birds and the flowers had not forgotten - they still knew their song. It was the song all of God's creation had sung to him from the very beginning. It was the song people's hearts were made to sing: "God made us. He loves us. He is very pleased with us." It was why Jesus had come into the world: to sing them that wonderful song; to sing it not only with his voice, but with his whole life - so that God's children could remember it and join in and sing it, too."
... I think my children are singing...
Can you imagine trying to choke out these words while seeing your two children - your dearest heart of hearts - all snuggled together like this. After all of the hoping, praying, struggling, fearing, fundraising, crying, sacrificing, and trusting in God to get your daughter home safely to join your family. After the surprise and struggle of an unplanned pregnancy in the middle of all of the adoption craziness and uncertainty. Last year I did not know either of these children... one was still a faceless hope and one was just a brand new formless surprise. Now, just one short year later, it was truly like something out of a dream. Jesus was present in the bedroom tonight. His grace and love were palpable. As we keep singing each day, "Yesu azali awa, na bisou" - Jesus is here with us.
Agape wanted Justice to sleep with her, but I had to tell her no. She was sad about that but didn't fight and gave Justice a nice kiss goodnight, saying "goodnight Buddy-bud." (She ADORES him!) Then I hugged and kissed her and told her - just like I say every night - "Goodnight Agape, I love you" As I was getting up to take Justice to his bed I heard her say quietly "I love you too."
I love you too.
This may not sound like much, but can I tell you how amazing those words sound to me? ... because this is the first time that she has said them in response to my goodnight. This is the best thing that my momma heart can hear. (Plus, it was in English!)
I turned around to see her smiling.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is a moment that I will never forget. Many more battles still to fight, but the war is already won, thanks to the Singer.
Love wins.
Every time.
And now, I am singing too...
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Truth about the First Week Home: The Good, the Hard, and the Downright Ugly
Well, it has been a while since we last posted... and there is a very good reason why, too. This "first month home" stuff is pretty crazy! Dan and I are trying to establish basic ground rules, a general schedule or routine, security based on trust, and some semblance of order for our family. This is all way easier said than done.
All in all, the first few weeks home have been good. VERY GOOD for us who were homesick, and generally good for our little girl who is probably feeling a bit homesick herself, but can't tell us about it. Each day has its happiness highs as well as its sad/defiant lows... and more than ever before, each day leaves us feeling absolutely DRAINED, emotionally and physically. This parenting a hurting child is quite the challenge! How can we sum it all up for everyone? Well, a phrase keeps coming to mind "the good, the bad, and the ugly." Change "bad" to "hard" and we can pretty much file everything from our past week into one of these categories, so here goes:
The GOOD:
Justice - Agape loves her brother! From the first moment that she laid eyes on him at the airport, she has been a GREAT big sister! She sings to him, tickles him, soothes him when he cries, and makes him laugh more than any other person on this earth can! The love is reciprocal. He simply adores her, and just loves to look at her and smile. It is so wonderful that they work together so well. We were very worried about jealousy, but that has not seemed to be much of a problem so far. What a blessing from God! Seeing them together is just too beautiful.
Family connections - We have been able to get together with ALMOST all of the family already. While we think that we definitely overdid it with "meetings" the first week, we do know that Agape has felt happy and loved by a lot of people. She has been doing very well with remembering names since we went over them every day in the Congo while looking through the family photo album that we made for her. The family album is in a colorful, compact little 8X8 Shutterfly book, and it has proved to be a great way to prepare her for meeting new family! Whenever we are going to meet someone new we prepare her by reviewing the book together and showing her who we are going to be seeing. Then when she sees them in person she is just tickled to realize that this is the person from the picture... but now they are in real life! We highly recommend making a book like this to take with you if you are going to pick up your child. Throw in a few pics of your child that you have received from your agency. Agape loves to see herself in the family book as well! We will make a new one as well, as soon as we have collected pictures of her with each new person. Probably for Christmas...
Church - We anticipated skipping out on church for a while because of the onslaught of new faces, but it seemed to us that Agape was really missing some peer time, so we decided to take her the first Sunday. It just so happened to be "Orphan Sunday" as well, so it was almost too perfect, and we really couldn't resist. :) Agape did GREAT and loved meeting the kids and making some new friends! Now, our church is very small, and so it was definitely less overwhelming than a larger church might have been. And she only had about 10 kids to meet in her age range, so this was a nice small number. Just perfect for forming some new relationships. And the kids have been waiting for SOOOOOO LONG to meet her, that they were excited to welcome her right in! We have some of the best kiddos around, I think. I may be biased, but hey, they are pretty darn awesome. One of the moms also researched and learned (all on her own!) some Lingala so that she could welcome Agape in her own language. Agape really got a kick out of this, and it definitely was a good ice breaker to make her feel more at home. Church = SUCCESS!
Food - OK, we have a mixed subject here. Food fits into 2 of my categories of this list. I will get to the hard stuff later... but I gotta say that, overall, finding food that Agape likes has been way less of an issue than I anticipated. Agape likes a great many foods that we eat regularly, such as bananas, avocado, bread, PB+J, granola bars, yogurt, eggs, cheese, rice, chicken, pizza, and fish. Casseroles that contain these items are a definite hit, and she has eaten pretty heartily while she's been here. Not to mention that our friends and church family have been making us meals like crazy, and they have been AWESOME! And - per our request - pretty much all include rice. :) Strangely enough, she does not get too into sweets... no candy, cakes, or cookies seem to interest her. Not complaining! She seems to like ice cream now, but she had to warm up to it. Her main food craving, unfortunately, is any kind of SALTY processed snack food that comes in a bag. Chips, chips, cheese curls, and more chips... oh, and pop corn too. The heavily salted, cheesed, and buttered kind. I have a feeling that they ate a lot of this junk food at her orphanage because she talks about eating it a lot... for a lot of meals. Loso (white rice) and salty food: two things she thinks she could live on. That would probably explain why her blood tests revealed some serious nutritional deficits. Just imagine her joy when she gets old enough to realize that we live in walking distance of a major chip factory that gives tours and free samples right off the line! And their chips - Herr's - are pretty much the yummiest EVER! Unfortunately (or maybe FORTUNATELY) for her, we don't really eat much salt... chips only for special occasions, minimal processed foods, and we don't even cook with added salt very often. The poor girl is probably going through sodium withdraw! We are OK with that, and are prepared to weather the storm. Plus, absence makes the heart grow fonder, so it will allow chips to become good bargaining tools, I think! (No, I am NOT above bribing my children. Judge if you like, but there has to be SOME kind of "prize" for completing a sticker chart! Might as well be a bag of Herr's!)
Outside - We have been blessed with a few really lovely days lately, and so Agape has been able to spend a good deal of time outside! We lost a few trees from Sandy, and so Papa has been outside with the chainsaw a lot lately. Agape has been outside with him, just scooting around on the driveway on a kid car or playing with bubbles. She has not gotten too adventurous yet, and just stays right around us, but at least it is better than just hanging out inside! She has a lot energy to burn too, so running outside is a Mom's best friend! We even went for a walk at the park the other day after Mom's jog. Agape played on the play set for 1 hour and then walked a half mile with us. It was a great start to getting her ready for our family hikes. We are quite the active family, especially in summertime, so she's going to have to be ready!
Swimming - HIGHLIGHT OF THE PAST FEW WEEKS! Agape absolutely loves the pool at the Y! She calls swimming "le plunge" and she talks about it all the time. always asking if we can go now. If she colors a picture in her coloring book, it is always of something that is swimming or floating in water. And last night when she was skyping with her awesome Lingala friend, Lucy, she was telling her all about it and acting it out! Now, truth be told, Agape is not technically "swimming" yet... she is quite the drama mamma and screams like the world is ending over any little thing. This includes getting a mouthful of water or having one of us help her learn how to kick her legs. Oh well... she will get it... Oh, the torture of helping her learn to do something that she LIKES! LOL But seriously, we know she loves swimming A LOT because despite these little cataclysmic occurences, she - like any other child - never wants to leave the water when I say it is time to go! She never looks more full of joy than when she is in the pool, or at least knows that we will be going there soon
Jogging - not her, ME! I have been so thankful for the opportunity to still run on Dan's days off. I need to give my hubby HUGE props for this. He KNOWS how much I love/need to jog... and he helps to make it possible for me to GO! I am a much better and happier momma after a run. It's good for the whole family!!!
Bedtime (my favorite time of day!) - Since coming home Agape has slept every night in her own room in her own bed, PTL!!! There were 2 nights where she fought us on going to sleep and screamed for an hour straight, and we do have occasional trouble with the whole "getting ready for bed" routine (ie STALLING), but overall the bedtime routine that we established from the first night in Congo (story, bible story, lights off, prayer, hug and kiss) has worked like a charm. It helps her wind down and feel safe and cozy. Blessing!
The HARD:
The power struggles - This is an everyday occurrence. Mornings are the worst, and things tend to get better as the day goes on. It is almost like we have to reestablish every day that we are her momma and Papa, and we are indeed in charge.... and us being in charge means her GOOD, not her destruction. This struggle usually begins with eating breakfast. It always begins with us asking her to do something or putting food in front of her. Even if she asks for something herself - and we KNOW that it is something she is familiar with and she has happily downed it many times before - she almost immediately decides that she hates it, and it is disgusting. Then she refuses to eat, and very dramatically acts out how horrible the food tastes - usually complete with grimacing, moaning, eye rolling, and whining... sometimes she even throws in a few gagging spells and sticking out her tongue. This is usually followed by a swing in the other emotional direction by her becoming stone cold, refusing to look at us, and refusing to speak. Sometimes "going limp" happens now, and sometimes the "statue stand" occurs. Either way, the desired effect is defiance and gaining a "begging" reaction (and control) from us when we try time and again to get her to even look at us. The girl is smart... she knows that we cannot physically make her eyeballs look at us, so she figures that this is the most surefire means of effective defiance. Instead I just count to 3, and on three her only option is to answer/look or go up to her room. This is usually when the wailing begins. As soon as I pick up the puddle/statue child, she begins screaming bloody murder - my personal favorite part of the whole ordeal... NOT (Eye-yi-yi-yi-yi!!!). The desired result is attention and control. The actual result is a lot of of patience learning on our part. Once we put her in the time out chair or her room, the waiting begins. Sometimes it is over very quickly, but sometimes she can drag it out for an hour or more. She is African, so she is very patient. :) We keep checking in with "finished?" whenever the crying out stops. When she is ready to look at us and apologize then the ordeal is over and she returns to finish her now very soggy cereal or very cold eggs.
OK, so this process is NO FUN for anyone involved, but we have been making progress! She has been trying new things lately, she has realized that she really does have to finish her meals before she will get to eat anything else or go anywhere, and she also seems to understand that we do in fact mean business when we set a rule. Tonight we had a similar showdown at dinnertime, and all in all she sat at the table for 2 hours, but it was a fairly happy 2 hours, and she did finish without a single cry. Yesterday morning she tried to hide the granola bar she had chosen for breakfast in her hand instead of eating it, but when I discovered it and told her the deal (no breakfast = no swimming) and she responded IMMEDIATELY. She did not want to chance that one! All in all, improving slowly.
Of course this is only one of the power struggle areas... I could go on and on... but the most important thing to note is how there are 2 things that have been helping here: 1. Our consistency in the standards that we set and the rewards/punishments that we state. 2. Our bonding with her and her corresponding trust in us and our love for her. The more she feels loved, the less she fights for control. This makes sense, of course, but it is hard to remember in the heat of the moment when the screamo is going on. Just remember, she is feeling insecure, so she is slipping back into frightened orphan mode. The only thing that will change that is love and consistency!
Alone Time - Huh? What IS that???? Haven't had that in a while! SEriously, after the kids fall asleep (which is usually at about 10pm) we are DONE. EXHAUSTED, mentally, physically, and emotionally. That is why it has taken me so long to write this blog post! By the time I put the kids to bed, I am so emotionally spent from giving all of me to Agape all day that I don't have the emotional strength to get it all out in cohesive words! Yup, this is just a tad hard on the whole "love life" but of course we did have a baby this year too, so we were pretty prepared for that, haha. All in all, we are completely worn out, but when we snuggle up and fall asleep in bed at night - for that SPLIT SECOND between snuggling into the pillow and being dead asleep - we know that our love is still just as strong as it ever was. So thankful that I have Dan. SO SO SO THANKFUL. If our marriage was not strong, this would not work. But the bottom line is that we are best friends who can certainly DO hard. The first 5 years of marriage were spend working and going to college - not to mention nursing school. We know how to make "no sleep, no time, to money" work, and we also know we will be stronger for it. I could pick no one better to be on my team. I LOVE MY HUSBAND! Thank you Lord. :)
The UGLY:
Still an orphan - this is just a matter of fact: Agape is still very much in "orphan mode" a lot of the time. We are not sure that she really understands yet that this is FOREVER. Nothing can change it. Nothing will send her back. Nothing will stop our love. Nothing will cause her to be abused. Nothing. For now, she still slips into the role of self-preserving orphan on a daily basis. She does not understand what family even means. We have to define it for her. But if she feels threatened by new circumstances or pain then she quickly freaks out. Getting shots is the worst. She cries out so loudly and struggles so much. It took Dan and 3 nurses to hold her down - pin her - to get blood for blood work. Meanwhile she was screaming so much that every child within earshot started to cry as well. Justice shrieked when he heard her. Both my kids were crying. One was most likely cursing me out in Lingala. She was MAD. And SCARED. She even cried out for her birth mother when crying for me did not work. Ugly, heart wrenching, stick-with-you-forever kinda scene. I hated it. Her wounds are deep. Unfortunately there are going to be times when I will let her down or seem to be betraying her (times like shots). Bottom line, she has to learn to trust. This is going to take a LONG time.
Tantrums - OH MY. If only you could hear her crying! This girl can WAIL! And she can be totally faking, but be oh so convincing. Tears can be streaming, and she can turn it on and off with a smile. The trantrums come with kicking and flailing too. FUN! They also tend to come when others are around to watch (ie in public or with guests). The girl likes to have an audience. :) This just comes with the territory, unfortunately. Child + wounded past + insecurity = ticking time bomb. But hey, we knew this when we signed up for adoption, so we are as prepped as we can be! Overall, the trantrums are getting less, I think, and shorter in duration. A few weeks ago she flew into a fit over something while walking to the car and started the wailing. I had tried everything to get her to stop but nothing was working, and so I finally, once we were all buckled inside the car, just started wailing too. Totally calm, not angry or upset, just making noise. She hated it! Flew into a louder rage. I got louder. She got louder. I just kept on pacing myself and looked totally nonchalant. Every time she would stop to take a breath I said "Agape finished, then mamma finished. Finished?" This would just elicit fresh screaming. But then FINALLY she stopped like a light switch, looked at me, and said "Momma, FINISHED! Stop." I asked her to say sorry, she did, and the wailing was OVER. She has only had one crying fit with me since. She knows now that it does not get anywhere, and she really is annoyed at my wailing, haha. I think that it finally got through that the crying fits are not a good way to get what you want, at least not when its with mom, anyways (she did try the crying in children's church the other day, and it worked with the unsuspecting teachers at first, but then I called her bluff). She told papa about the whole thing later and then reminded him "NO CRYING, PAPA!" Obviously, something stuck. Now, this method would probably make attachment theorists wince, but hey, it worked for us. Tantrums still happen (Oh, Thanksgiving was BAD...) but they are getting better overall!
Wounds from past - Won't say much about this, except the ugly truth is that she has been abused in many ways. Physical scars prove it. Emotional scars impact our daily life. And the more english she learns and Lingala we learn, the more she can tell us. It is NOT pretty. American children, getting mildly spanked by parents who love you is the LEAST of your causes for complaint... you want to talk about emotionally scarring, just talk to someone who has been beat or otherwise punished by someone without restraint and without love. U G L Y.
Our own hearts - the ugly truth about US, is that we see so much of this orphan girl in ourselves and the way that we relate to God. Whenever my daughter is fighting me on eating breakfast, or throwing a fit to get her way, or freaking out over shots, calling for ANYONE to come to her aid - these moments just remind of how I do this to God. I fight his good will for me, I beg and beg to get my way and get so angry if I don't, and I turn to anyone/anything else for comfort so often when I should be turning to God. It is crazy how much I live as an orphan when I have such a GOOD heavenly father. BUt he is even more patient with me as Dan and I are with Agape, and so I will never be able to make his love go away. I will never be 'too bad" or 'too rebellious" to lose his grace. And thank God for that, because without his grace how on earth would I understand how to have grace for adoption? It is not easy to raise children and to put their needs above my own, but because of Jesus and HIS love and example, I CAN. Thank God that he is changing our hearts and making us new. We are his children. And Agape is mine. Grace abounds.
All in all, the first few weeks home have been good. VERY GOOD for us who were homesick, and generally good for our little girl who is probably feeling a bit homesick herself, but can't tell us about it. Each day has its happiness highs as well as its sad/defiant lows... and more than ever before, each day leaves us feeling absolutely DRAINED, emotionally and physically. This parenting a hurting child is quite the challenge! How can we sum it all up for everyone? Well, a phrase keeps coming to mind "the good, the bad, and the ugly." Change "bad" to "hard" and we can pretty much file everything from our past week into one of these categories, so here goes:
The GOOD:
Justice - Agape loves her brother! From the first moment that she laid eyes on him at the airport, she has been a GREAT big sister! She sings to him, tickles him, soothes him when he cries, and makes him laugh more than any other person on this earth can! The love is reciprocal. He simply adores her, and just loves to look at her and smile. It is so wonderful that they work together so well. We were very worried about jealousy, but that has not seemed to be much of a problem so far. What a blessing from God! Seeing them together is just too beautiful.
Family connections - We have been able to get together with ALMOST all of the family already. While we think that we definitely overdid it with "meetings" the first week, we do know that Agape has felt happy and loved by a lot of people. She has been doing very well with remembering names since we went over them every day in the Congo while looking through the family photo album that we made for her. The family album is in a colorful, compact little 8X8 Shutterfly book, and it has proved to be a great way to prepare her for meeting new family! Whenever we are going to meet someone new we prepare her by reviewing the book together and showing her who we are going to be seeing. Then when she sees them in person she is just tickled to realize that this is the person from the picture... but now they are in real life! We highly recommend making a book like this to take with you if you are going to pick up your child. Throw in a few pics of your child that you have received from your agency. Agape loves to see herself in the family book as well! We will make a new one as well, as soon as we have collected pictures of her with each new person. Probably for Christmas...
Church - We anticipated skipping out on church for a while because of the onslaught of new faces, but it seemed to us that Agape was really missing some peer time, so we decided to take her the first Sunday. It just so happened to be "Orphan Sunday" as well, so it was almost too perfect, and we really couldn't resist. :) Agape did GREAT and loved meeting the kids and making some new friends! Now, our church is very small, and so it was definitely less overwhelming than a larger church might have been. And she only had about 10 kids to meet in her age range, so this was a nice small number. Just perfect for forming some new relationships. And the kids have been waiting for SOOOOOO LONG to meet her, that they were excited to welcome her right in! We have some of the best kiddos around, I think. I may be biased, but hey, they are pretty darn awesome. One of the moms also researched and learned (all on her own!) some Lingala so that she could welcome Agape in her own language. Agape really got a kick out of this, and it definitely was a good ice breaker to make her feel more at home. Church = SUCCESS!
Food - OK, we have a mixed subject here. Food fits into 2 of my categories of this list. I will get to the hard stuff later... but I gotta say that, overall, finding food that Agape likes has been way less of an issue than I anticipated. Agape likes a great many foods that we eat regularly, such as bananas, avocado, bread, PB+J, granola bars, yogurt, eggs, cheese, rice, chicken, pizza, and fish. Casseroles that contain these items are a definite hit, and she has eaten pretty heartily while she's been here. Not to mention that our friends and church family have been making us meals like crazy, and they have been AWESOME! And - per our request - pretty much all include rice. :) Strangely enough, she does not get too into sweets... no candy, cakes, or cookies seem to interest her. Not complaining! She seems to like ice cream now, but she had to warm up to it. Her main food craving, unfortunately, is any kind of SALTY processed snack food that comes in a bag. Chips, chips, cheese curls, and more chips... oh, and pop corn too. The heavily salted, cheesed, and buttered kind. I have a feeling that they ate a lot of this junk food at her orphanage because she talks about eating it a lot... for a lot of meals. Loso (white rice) and salty food: two things she thinks she could live on. That would probably explain why her blood tests revealed some serious nutritional deficits. Just imagine her joy when she gets old enough to realize that we live in walking distance of a major chip factory that gives tours and free samples right off the line! And their chips - Herr's - are pretty much the yummiest EVER! Unfortunately (or maybe FORTUNATELY) for her, we don't really eat much salt... chips only for special occasions, minimal processed foods, and we don't even cook with added salt very often. The poor girl is probably going through sodium withdraw! We are OK with that, and are prepared to weather the storm. Plus, absence makes the heart grow fonder, so it will allow chips to become good bargaining tools, I think! (No, I am NOT above bribing my children. Judge if you like, but there has to be SOME kind of "prize" for completing a sticker chart! Might as well be a bag of Herr's!)
Outside - We have been blessed with a few really lovely days lately, and so Agape has been able to spend a good deal of time outside! We lost a few trees from Sandy, and so Papa has been outside with the chainsaw a lot lately. Agape has been outside with him, just scooting around on the driveway on a kid car or playing with bubbles. She has not gotten too adventurous yet, and just stays right around us, but at least it is better than just hanging out inside! She has a lot energy to burn too, so running outside is a Mom's best friend! We even went for a walk at the park the other day after Mom's jog. Agape played on the play set for 1 hour and then walked a half mile with us. It was a great start to getting her ready for our family hikes. We are quite the active family, especially in summertime, so she's going to have to be ready!
Swimming - HIGHLIGHT OF THE PAST FEW WEEKS! Agape absolutely loves the pool at the Y! She calls swimming "le plunge" and she talks about it all the time. always asking if we can go now. If she colors a picture in her coloring book, it is always of something that is swimming or floating in water. And last night when she was skyping with her awesome Lingala friend, Lucy, she was telling her all about it and acting it out! Now, truth be told, Agape is not technically "swimming" yet... she is quite the drama mamma and screams like the world is ending over any little thing. This includes getting a mouthful of water or having one of us help her learn how to kick her legs. Oh well... she will get it... Oh, the torture of helping her learn to do something that she LIKES! LOL But seriously, we know she loves swimming A LOT because despite these little cataclysmic occurences, she - like any other child - never wants to leave the water when I say it is time to go! She never looks more full of joy than when she is in the pool, or at least knows that we will be going there soon
Jogging - not her, ME! I have been so thankful for the opportunity to still run on Dan's days off. I need to give my hubby HUGE props for this. He KNOWS how much I love/need to jog... and he helps to make it possible for me to GO! I am a much better and happier momma after a run. It's good for the whole family!!!
Bedtime (my favorite time of day!) - Since coming home Agape has slept every night in her own room in her own bed, PTL!!! There were 2 nights where she fought us on going to sleep and screamed for an hour straight, and we do have occasional trouble with the whole "getting ready for bed" routine (ie STALLING), but overall the bedtime routine that we established from the first night in Congo (story, bible story, lights off, prayer, hug and kiss) has worked like a charm. It helps her wind down and feel safe and cozy. Blessing!
The HARD:
The power struggles - This is an everyday occurrence. Mornings are the worst, and things tend to get better as the day goes on. It is almost like we have to reestablish every day that we are her momma and Papa, and we are indeed in charge.... and us being in charge means her GOOD, not her destruction. This struggle usually begins with eating breakfast. It always begins with us asking her to do something or putting food in front of her. Even if she asks for something herself - and we KNOW that it is something she is familiar with and she has happily downed it many times before - she almost immediately decides that she hates it, and it is disgusting. Then she refuses to eat, and very dramatically acts out how horrible the food tastes - usually complete with grimacing, moaning, eye rolling, and whining... sometimes she even throws in a few gagging spells and sticking out her tongue. This is usually followed by a swing in the other emotional direction by her becoming stone cold, refusing to look at us, and refusing to speak. Sometimes "going limp" happens now, and sometimes the "statue stand" occurs. Either way, the desired effect is defiance and gaining a "begging" reaction (and control) from us when we try time and again to get her to even look at us. The girl is smart... she knows that we cannot physically make her eyeballs look at us, so she figures that this is the most surefire means of effective defiance. Instead I just count to 3, and on three her only option is to answer/look or go up to her room. This is usually when the wailing begins. As soon as I pick up the puddle/statue child, she begins screaming bloody murder - my personal favorite part of the whole ordeal... NOT (Eye-yi-yi-yi-yi!!!). The desired result is attention and control. The actual result is a lot of of patience learning on our part. Once we put her in the time out chair or her room, the waiting begins. Sometimes it is over very quickly, but sometimes she can drag it out for an hour or more. She is African, so she is very patient. :) We keep checking in with "finished?" whenever the crying out stops. When she is ready to look at us and apologize then the ordeal is over and she returns to finish her now very soggy cereal or very cold eggs.
OK, so this process is NO FUN for anyone involved, but we have been making progress! She has been trying new things lately, she has realized that she really does have to finish her meals before she will get to eat anything else or go anywhere, and she also seems to understand that we do in fact mean business when we set a rule. Tonight we had a similar showdown at dinnertime, and all in all she sat at the table for 2 hours, but it was a fairly happy 2 hours, and she did finish without a single cry. Yesterday morning she tried to hide the granola bar she had chosen for breakfast in her hand instead of eating it, but when I discovered it and told her the deal (no breakfast = no swimming) and she responded IMMEDIATELY. She did not want to chance that one! All in all, improving slowly.
Of course this is only one of the power struggle areas... I could go on and on... but the most important thing to note is how there are 2 things that have been helping here: 1. Our consistency in the standards that we set and the rewards/punishments that we state. 2. Our bonding with her and her corresponding trust in us and our love for her. The more she feels loved, the less she fights for control. This makes sense, of course, but it is hard to remember in the heat of the moment when the screamo is going on. Just remember, she is feeling insecure, so she is slipping back into frightened orphan mode. The only thing that will change that is love and consistency!
Alone Time - Huh? What IS that???? Haven't had that in a while! SEriously, after the kids fall asleep (which is usually at about 10pm) we are DONE. EXHAUSTED, mentally, physically, and emotionally. That is why it has taken me so long to write this blog post! By the time I put the kids to bed, I am so emotionally spent from giving all of me to Agape all day that I don't have the emotional strength to get it all out in cohesive words! Yup, this is just a tad hard on the whole "love life" but of course we did have a baby this year too, so we were pretty prepared for that, haha. All in all, we are completely worn out, but when we snuggle up and fall asleep in bed at night - for that SPLIT SECOND between snuggling into the pillow and being dead asleep - we know that our love is still just as strong as it ever was. So thankful that I have Dan. SO SO SO THANKFUL. If our marriage was not strong, this would not work. But the bottom line is that we are best friends who can certainly DO hard. The first 5 years of marriage were spend working and going to college - not to mention nursing school. We know how to make "no sleep, no time, to money" work, and we also know we will be stronger for it. I could pick no one better to be on my team. I LOVE MY HUSBAND! Thank you Lord. :)
The UGLY:
Still an orphan - this is just a matter of fact: Agape is still very much in "orphan mode" a lot of the time. We are not sure that she really understands yet that this is FOREVER. Nothing can change it. Nothing will send her back. Nothing will stop our love. Nothing will cause her to be abused. Nothing. For now, she still slips into the role of self-preserving orphan on a daily basis. She does not understand what family even means. We have to define it for her. But if she feels threatened by new circumstances or pain then she quickly freaks out. Getting shots is the worst. She cries out so loudly and struggles so much. It took Dan and 3 nurses to hold her down - pin her - to get blood for blood work. Meanwhile she was screaming so much that every child within earshot started to cry as well. Justice shrieked when he heard her. Both my kids were crying. One was most likely cursing me out in Lingala. She was MAD. And SCARED. She even cried out for her birth mother when crying for me did not work. Ugly, heart wrenching, stick-with-you-forever kinda scene. I hated it. Her wounds are deep. Unfortunately there are going to be times when I will let her down or seem to be betraying her (times like shots). Bottom line, she has to learn to trust. This is going to take a LONG time.
Tantrums - OH MY. If only you could hear her crying! This girl can WAIL! And she can be totally faking, but be oh so convincing. Tears can be streaming, and she can turn it on and off with a smile. The trantrums come with kicking and flailing too. FUN! They also tend to come when others are around to watch (ie in public or with guests). The girl likes to have an audience. :) This just comes with the territory, unfortunately. Child + wounded past + insecurity = ticking time bomb. But hey, we knew this when we signed up for adoption, so we are as prepped as we can be! Overall, the trantrums are getting less, I think, and shorter in duration. A few weeks ago she flew into a fit over something while walking to the car and started the wailing. I had tried everything to get her to stop but nothing was working, and so I finally, once we were all buckled inside the car, just started wailing too. Totally calm, not angry or upset, just making noise. She hated it! Flew into a louder rage. I got louder. She got louder. I just kept on pacing myself and looked totally nonchalant. Every time she would stop to take a breath I said "Agape finished, then mamma finished. Finished?" This would just elicit fresh screaming. But then FINALLY she stopped like a light switch, looked at me, and said "Momma, FINISHED! Stop." I asked her to say sorry, she did, and the wailing was OVER. She has only had one crying fit with me since. She knows now that it does not get anywhere, and she really is annoyed at my wailing, haha. I think that it finally got through that the crying fits are not a good way to get what you want, at least not when its with mom, anyways (she did try the crying in children's church the other day, and it worked with the unsuspecting teachers at first, but then I called her bluff). She told papa about the whole thing later and then reminded him "NO CRYING, PAPA!" Obviously, something stuck. Now, this method would probably make attachment theorists wince, but hey, it worked for us. Tantrums still happen (Oh, Thanksgiving was BAD...) but they are getting better overall!
Wounds from past - Won't say much about this, except the ugly truth is that she has been abused in many ways. Physical scars prove it. Emotional scars impact our daily life. And the more english she learns and Lingala we learn, the more she can tell us. It is NOT pretty. American children, getting mildly spanked by parents who love you is the LEAST of your causes for complaint... you want to talk about emotionally scarring, just talk to someone who has been beat or otherwise punished by someone without restraint and without love. U G L Y.
Our own hearts - the ugly truth about US, is that we see so much of this orphan girl in ourselves and the way that we relate to God. Whenever my daughter is fighting me on eating breakfast, or throwing a fit to get her way, or freaking out over shots, calling for ANYONE to come to her aid - these moments just remind of how I do this to God. I fight his good will for me, I beg and beg to get my way and get so angry if I don't, and I turn to anyone/anything else for comfort so often when I should be turning to God. It is crazy how much I live as an orphan when I have such a GOOD heavenly father. BUt he is even more patient with me as Dan and I are with Agape, and so I will never be able to make his love go away. I will never be 'too bad" or 'too rebellious" to lose his grace. And thank God for that, because without his grace how on earth would I understand how to have grace for adoption? It is not easy to raise children and to put their needs above my own, but because of Jesus and HIS love and example, I CAN. Thank God that he is changing our hearts and making us new. We are his children. And Agape is mine. Grace abounds.
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Wounds of Love
We were reminded last night that we have not been faithful bloggers again. Things have been very busy here in the Shultz home, and taking time to blog has not been checked off the "To-Do" list yet. Jen has actually been working on a blog post for awhile now. I'm sorry to cut in and post before her, but today does call for one.
Thanksgiving is upon us (we are celebrating today), and I can say that we have a thankful heart for many things right now. We should everyday of the year as well. However, this morning we have received not so good news from the Congo relating to a few families adoptions that has left us with a heavy heart. It is confirmed that at least one family will not be getting their children. A message from them this morning read that they are missing, and pray that they have been adopted by someone else. We haven't confirmed it yet, but another family might possibly not be getting their child either.
So yes I am thankful, but I have a heavy heart wearing me down today. I believe that God himself feels this way over the situation too. We still remember very clearly the "waiting" process in adoption. Going through everyday fearing that you will hear terrible news, and it will all fall apart.
I do not have many words of comfort for families going through this right now. However, I always say that for everything in life there is a Rich Mullins song. I am leaving it to him right now to comfort you all. I often thought of one particular song when I was praying for Agape during our wait to go get her. I think of this song for the families still waiting for their children, and for our future adoptive children.
Peace to you all who read this with a heavy heart.
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
A more moderate view on voting
Well if you weren't sure what today is before 5 seconds of checking your news feed on Facebook has reminded you that today is voting day. I know that everyone has put a little bit (or lot of bit) of their own opinion in the matter, but after my most recent experiences I would like to offer you a more laid back, and hopefully refreshing view, of all the hype we call politics.
To be perfectly honest I almost didn't vote this year, and actually almost didn't vote during the 2008 election either. To put all your minds at ease I did vote for both times, but let me share with you all why I almost did not participate.
To put it simply, I feel that people put too much stock into one man. Too often do we blame one guy for our problems in this country, and expect one other man to fix them. I have seen a land where one man has this much control over people, and the result is very different from what I see happening here in America. In fact, it is our actions and reactions to another's view that causes more problems than any one president could ever strive for. To sum up the pros and cons that I hear many people say about both candidates sounds like this:
Obama: Pro - he's more vested in the people and is a more progressive thinker
Con - he's a radical socialist, or Muslim terrorist that is pursuing his own agenda
Romney: Pro - he's God inspired and wants to decrease the tax burden on people and create jobs
Con - He's a hater of poor people and women and only wants to help the rich
These are a very simplified summarization of what I've frequently heard people describe each person, and I hope it's simple enough to show you that no one knows either candidate that well. We only know how they are portrayed by our favorite news station. Fighting for either of these two guys is not worth the disunity that follows. Seeing this all around me (had to travel to another country to get away from it) made me want to be a part of it even less. However, this is not the answer either.
Now, let me share with you why I did decide to vote this year.
First, and most importantly. California Tortilla is giving a free taco to everyone who voted. Let me say that I'm sorry, and I understand. I'm sorry I didn't mention this earlier, and I understand if you want to stop reading right now and get your taco. The blog will be here when you return.
Secondly, I believe it's the people who have the power to change this country for better or worse. In the Congo it doesn't really matter if you are a hard working citizen, or a nonproductive loafer. Neither changes society over there greatly, because of a disconnect from the government to the people. In America, it matters greatly how you are contributing to the society. Not only is it important to have a career that provides goods and services to the country, but it's also important to vested in making society better through our actions. Care about others, and care enough that it causes a desire to help them. This starts in your own home, and then spreads out to eventually the entire world. This is how we can create a better American society.
Yes, voting for a good President is important, but he (or she) will be more inclined to follow the norm of the people. Both candidates claim to give us what we want according to what we say is important or right. The problem is that our society is not unified, and we typically want different things. So I do encourage you to vote for the president who will do the best job, but after that you must do two things. Get your free taco, and then take charge of making America better yourself. Don't expect one man to do the job.
For all who have read this far I will not except any type of political debates or bashing of any person or view. You may silently disagree, but my intention is not to hold any debate of this matter. Comments that do this will be deleted.
Blessings to you.
To be perfectly honest I almost didn't vote this year, and actually almost didn't vote during the 2008 election either. To put all your minds at ease I did vote for both times, but let me share with you all why I almost did not participate.
To put it simply, I feel that people put too much stock into one man. Too often do we blame one guy for our problems in this country, and expect one other man to fix them. I have seen a land where one man has this much control over people, and the result is very different from what I see happening here in America. In fact, it is our actions and reactions to another's view that causes more problems than any one president could ever strive for. To sum up the pros and cons that I hear many people say about both candidates sounds like this:
Obama: Pro - he's more vested in the people and is a more progressive thinker
Con - he's a radical socialist, or Muslim terrorist that is pursuing his own agenda
Romney: Pro - he's God inspired and wants to decrease the tax burden on people and create jobs
Con - He's a hater of poor people and women and only wants to help the rich
These are a very simplified summarization of what I've frequently heard people describe each person, and I hope it's simple enough to show you that no one knows either candidate that well. We only know how they are portrayed by our favorite news station. Fighting for either of these two guys is not worth the disunity that follows. Seeing this all around me (had to travel to another country to get away from it) made me want to be a part of it even less. However, this is not the answer either.
Now, let me share with you why I did decide to vote this year.
First, and most importantly. California Tortilla is giving a free taco to everyone who voted. Let me say that I'm sorry, and I understand. I'm sorry I didn't mention this earlier, and I understand if you want to stop reading right now and get your taco. The blog will be here when you return.
Secondly, I believe it's the people who have the power to change this country for better or worse. In the Congo it doesn't really matter if you are a hard working citizen, or a nonproductive loafer. Neither changes society over there greatly, because of a disconnect from the government to the people. In America, it matters greatly how you are contributing to the society. Not only is it important to have a career that provides goods and services to the country, but it's also important to vested in making society better through our actions. Care about others, and care enough that it causes a desire to help them. This starts in your own home, and then spreads out to eventually the entire world. This is how we can create a better American society.
Yes, voting for a good President is important, but he (or she) will be more inclined to follow the norm of the people. Both candidates claim to give us what we want according to what we say is important or right. The problem is that our society is not unified, and we typically want different things. So I do encourage you to vote for the president who will do the best job, but after that you must do two things. Get your free taco, and then take charge of making America better yourself. Don't expect one man to do the job.
For all who have read this far I will not except any type of political debates or bashing of any person or view. You may silently disagree, but my intention is not to hold any debate of this matter. Comments that do this will be deleted.
Blessings to you.
Saturday, November 3, 2012
A picture of LONELY
So here we are at home! It has been about 24 hours since we arrived and first walked Agape through the doorway into her new home! I can honestly say that she has been doing REMARKABLY well so far. We really thought last night was going to be harder for her, but she slept all night in her own bed, and woke up pretty happy. Awesome! She has met Auntie Erin and Unc Brett (because they live here), Grandmama and Grandpa Bill (because they brought us home from the airport), and Pop-Pop, Maw-Maw, Uncle Dakota, Aunt Tekes, and Aunt Seke (they came to visit this morning). She has been enthralled by all of her new toys, bedroom, the cats, the house, and everything that she has instantly acquired upon arrival to America. Let me tell you that compared to life in Kinshasa, our home is a mansion and we have way too much stuff. (that's the subject for another post, I tell you, because we sure DO have way too much stuff... Africa puts a lot into perspective) Well, our little girl has just been in thrill overdrive for the past day, and I have been wondering when it might all come crashing down. The answer is: Naptime. Arguably the hardest time of day for parents all over the world. Like any child, she does not want to nap, but still definitely NEEDS to. Well today I could see her winding down. This was the first full day that she has not had anyone around who speaks her own language. As I wrote about before, I knew this would be hard. Today she listened to a whole lotta conversation that sounded like gibberish to her, and then had her own Lingala conversations with her dolls while braiding their hair. When Dan was talking, he said some word that sounded like "Sifa" (Agape's dear friend who now lives in Tennessee) and she got all excited... and then sad when we had to tell her that, no, Sifa was not able to play with her today. Then nap time came, and she did NOT want to sleep. She fought us on it, and then broke down crying. The cry was sorta angry at first, but mostly sad. It has risen and fallen in intensity, but it has lasted for a while now. It is a cry that speaks of LONELY.
I want you all to get this picture, because I really do believe that I will never forget it: a beautiful African girl wearing a princess dress sitting on her colorful, fluffy, clean pottery barn comforter in the middle of a gorgeously painted bedroom full of toys... staring into space, sobbing. Lonely. It is the picture of having everything, yet still being unfulfilled. If all that we could give her was these things - a house, pretty clothes, nice toys, a room to herself - it would NOT be enough. Thank God that adoption is about so much more than just bringing a child out of material poverty. We are giving her a family and a home, and all the love and belonging that comes with that. The problem is, this does not feel like home to her YET. And although we are technically a family, we have not yet been through thick and thin together. There is much more bonding to be done. Her family consists of those sweet friends who she said "Bye-yo!" to at the airport yesterday, and she is missing them A LOT right now.
So if you think of it, say a little prayer for our African Princess who is grieving today. This transition must happen. It is inevitable, and it is only just beginning. But it is still incredibly HARD. Hard for her and hard for us.
And, if you live near us and want to bring your kids over to play, please stop by this week... our girl needs some friends! She may be a little withdrawn at first, but along with the love of us as parents and family, she also needs the companionship that is unique to friendship with peers.
And most importantly, if your name is Sifa, Ye-Ye, or Lucy, Agape sends you a BIG HUG right now... and a whole lotta words in Lingala that I don't know how to spell!!! Ahlingy Yo MINGY!!!!
I want you all to get this picture, because I really do believe that I will never forget it: a beautiful African girl wearing a princess dress sitting on her colorful, fluffy, clean pottery barn comforter in the middle of a gorgeously painted bedroom full of toys... staring into space, sobbing. Lonely. It is the picture of having everything, yet still being unfulfilled. If all that we could give her was these things - a house, pretty clothes, nice toys, a room to herself - it would NOT be enough. Thank God that adoption is about so much more than just bringing a child out of material poverty. We are giving her a family and a home, and all the love and belonging that comes with that. The problem is, this does not feel like home to her YET. And although we are technically a family, we have not yet been through thick and thin together. There is much more bonding to be done. Her family consists of those sweet friends who she said "Bye-yo!" to at the airport yesterday, and she is missing them A LOT right now.
So if you think of it, say a little prayer for our African Princess who is grieving today. This transition must happen. It is inevitable, and it is only just beginning. But it is still incredibly HARD. Hard for her and hard for us.
And, if you live near us and want to bring your kids over to play, please stop by this week... our girl needs some friends! She may be a little withdrawn at first, but along with the love of us as parents and family, she also needs the companionship that is unique to friendship with peers.
And most importantly, if your name is Sifa, Ye-Ye, or Lucy, Agape sends you a BIG HUG right now... and a whole lotta words in Lingala that I don't know how to spell!!! Ahlingy Yo MINGY!!!!
Thoughts from 43,000 ft
I am not sure who is more nervous right now... Agape or me.
Strange words coming from someone who is as ecstatic about bringing our daughter home as I am! But yesterday - or whatever day the last day in Congo was - (since we have been on plane rides so long right now that I have lost track of today and yesterday... they kinda meld together) ... anyhow, the other day I really started to digest what was coming, and the gravity of the change ahead really hit me. I was sitting with Agape watching the Lion King, and she was especially happy, laughing and giggling. I love her laugh! But this time it sort of made me sad. I have been able to watch Agape interact with her friends and others all week, hear them chatter away, see her confidence as she speaks her mind in Lingala (bossy little thing that she can be sometimes), and watch them look like miniature Congolese women with all the loud African women mannerisms. They ramble on a mile a minute and are all animated with one another. I love this! Then contrast that with how she has to interact with us. Because she cannot communicate well due to a huge language barrier, she uses one word questions, two word sentences, and just laughs a lot as a main form of communication. Oh, and she has the word “NO” down pretty well, but I do not consider that a step “forward” necessirily, ha! But when she is upset about anything she only knows how to say “Ooooooo-mamamamamama....” The word “Mama” communicates that she needs something from me, but otherwise all she can do is cry and moan instead of discuss what she is feeling. And likewise, I cannot ask her what is wrong. I cannot explain to her why I am asking her to do something... or sometimes I can’t even communicate what I am asking her to do. I can’t prepare her for what is coming up, or tell her why it is “going to be OK” when she is upset. She seems like she goes from being a very capable and confident 5 year old in her language, to starting over socially as a helpless 2 year old who struggles to get a grasp on her world. The maturity level - because the coping mechanism of conversation is stressed - reverts. This is so hard for me to see.
OK, OK, OK... I know what so many people are thinking: “Oh, but she will get it soon!” “She will be able to pick it up so fast!” “Love is the universal language. All she needs is hugs and smiles!” “Just act out what you are trying to say, and you will be fine.” Yes, all these things are true, but it is still such a hard process to weather, especially when you are a talker like my daughter and I. In some ways it is like trying to communicate with Justice (our baby boy).
But now this language barrier is taken to a new level... because we are leaving the land of people who can bring her comfort in her own tongue. We are leaving behind anyone and everyone who could be called to translate when she is freaking out and screaming one word over and over but we have no idea what it means. This is not like french or Spanish where I can just use a google app to translate for me... this is Lingala people. Try to find a Rosetta stone on THAT! When we separate with Agape’s friends in the airport in a few short hours, she will never again have a full-on conversation in Lingala. Never! Gone. It will all be different from here on out. In a way, she will be socially isolated for a little while now. The little Congolese girl that I know is going to go through a transformation and she will inevitably come out different for it. This realization hit me like a ton of bricks. I feel for her so much! I don’t know how well I would take this if I was in her shoes! Can you imagine ladies?
And then I get nervous for me, because the social isolation goes two ways. I have so enjoyed getting to know my daughter through people who could help translate what she is saying. I love to hear her rattle off something to me, her big eyes looking all excited, and knowing that somehow I can get someone to help me figure out her message. I have loved everyone helping me learn a little Lingala so that I can make Agape feel a little more comfortable and understood. She gets so tickled when we speak to her in her language. :) It is THE love language for her, and has been major in our bonding. If we can meet her halfway, then she does not feel so alone. We can speak straight to her heart.
One of the other families is adopting two sisters... so however long it takes to learn English, at least they can find solace in one another. It will not be quite as “cold turkey” for them. I wish I could give that to Agape. Unfortunately, she is going have to just dive in and learn how to swim no matter how cold the water! This mama is hurting for her girlie.
So, that’s why I am nervous. I mean, what kind of socio-emotional impact does this have on a kid? Ok, so that sounds dramatic. OK, so it IS dramatic. But hey, I am a mom, and I seriously wonder about those things! I can’t possibly be alone, right? I kind of feel like this was the area of least preparation in our adoption homework and prep courses. We are ready for emotional trauma and acting out. She could even start throwing knives, and I can honestly say that I have read a chapter on it somewhere telling me step-by-step what to do. But I feel at a loss for specifics on how to help Agape learn English. I know that is will eventually “just happen” but there has to a “best” way for me to help. :)
And if you have the answer and you feel so inclined, can you do me a favor and write a book on it? That way all of us adoptive families who have children coming from lands of obscure languages can have some idea of what we are doing to help ourselves and our children cross that daunting “great divide” of the spoken word!
The Kinshasa Airport: A Survival Guide
We are IN. THE. AIR. WITH. OUR. DAUGHTER. Oh my goodness, I can hardly believe that I am typing these words. If you have never adopted from Congo, you have no idea the relief and emotion behind this realization! I hremember reading in the blogs of a few families that have gone before us that they felt as though thay had just escaped with their lives. I thought they were just being dramatic. Well, you can officially call me a drama-mamma... but at least you can call me a MOMMA, cause we got OUT! All day long we have been singing the lingala song “Yesu Azali Awa” to keep our minds focused on the reality that “Jesus is here.” I have so needed to hear these words. The last 24 hours have been chaotic beyond what I can talk about here, but let me just say that it makes us all that much more grateful to be heading HOME. Congo is a very messy place, there is a lot of corruption, and nothting goes as it “should.” Instead, it is more like an adventure movie or murder mystery book. Adoptions are no exception. But by the grace of God we are headed home, and with every air mile behind us, my sanity, peace, and love for the good parts of Congo is returning.
So while everything is still fresh in my mind, I want to write a quick list of “helpful info” for other families who will be traveling soon, and who need to fly out of the Kinshasa airport to get home. We flew Ethiopian air, and have LOVED their service so far. The dreamliner direct flight between DC and Addis, Ethiopia is easpecially nice. And by the way, they have the BEST airline food in the world, and they feed you multiple times! Considering you are stuck in the plane for almost 24 hours total, eating helps to pass the time at least! Dan says that he feels like a well fed prisoner. ;)
Anyhow... some thoughts on going through the Kinshasa airport:
- First of all, if you and your hubby or wife don’t work well as a team.... don’t adopt from Congo! :) If you can work together, stay on top of multiple things going on around you all at once in other languages, and divide and conquer, then you have won half the battle already. Proceed!
- Plan a travel bag of fun. This is a no-brainer to moms everywhere, but it is worth mentioning. Make it a bag that your child can carry themselves if they are old enough. One less bag for you! We also brought a “stuffed animal pillow thing” that has a compartment inside where we stashed a small blanket. Our daughter used these while we were in country, so they became a “comfort item” that she can love on when on the long flight home. In my opinion it helps the sleeping to have a familiar snuggle item. Also pack snacks (although Ethiopian feeds you WELL! They keeps the food and drinks coming!), germX, wipeums, pull ups, tissues, some folded pieces of TP (for the lovely airport bathroom discussed below), gum or something chewey for takeoff, and children’s benedryl/ motion sickness chewables just in case. Beyond just crayons and coloring books: beads and string, water color paints, stickers, slinky, silly putty, playdough, and children’s books/magazines are great. We are not big fans of electronic gadgets for young children, and especially for adopted kids who can benefit from fine motor practice and one-on-one interaction. That is why we chose not to bring any kind of “video game things” or whatever they are called these days... but if you are all for them, then these would of course be handy! Leap pad would be especilly nice.
- You will be SOAKED with sweat before you have even entered the airport. Do yourself a favor and wear shorts and short sleeves. We had been told by our agency that we should only pack capris, pants, ankle length skirts, and overly modest shirts. This was not true... plenty of Europeans here wear shorts or knee length skirts. Now, we wouldn’t suggest going for a miniskirt or booty shorts or anything (under any circumstances anywhere, for that matter!) but some comfy shorts and a T shirt or tank would be just fine. And while we are talking about clothes, we suggest packing two sets for you and your child. Also, pack some pull-ups no matter how old your child is. You never know what can happen on a plane ride. We had an older child with us who had an accident. Fortunately her momma was prepared. :) Better safe and dry than wet and sorry!
- Hire your own transport to the airport and make sure you book it for at least 1 hour BEFORE you actually want to leave. We had a 2:00 flight, and we booked our transport for 9:00. We did not actually leave till 10:30. Traffic is VERY variable, so you should plan on at least an hour travel time. Then it takes about an hour and a half at the airport to pay the exit tax, check your bags, fill out exit cards, get through DGM (“immigration” AKA “intimidation”), and go through security. Once you are at the gate you need to plan on them beginning boarding pretty early... they hand-search your carry on bags again and pat you down before boarding. Then you are bussed out to the plane. All in all, quite a process, and - like EVERYTHING in Africa - it takes time! We got to our gate with only about 15 minutes to spare before we lined up to board.
- When you get to the airport, make it very clear in no uncertain terms to your driver and the many men who will flock to your van if you do not want others to carry your bags. They will just grab them and do it, but it is definitely for a price, and once they have done it, they pick the price for you! You just FORCEFULLY say no as man times as you need to, then grab your bags yourself and take charge. They cannot force you to let them carry the bags, but they are aggressive and once they have started you are sort of stuck with it. They want to charge $5-10 per bag! And they do NOT take $1 bills. Just be forwarned! (all of this info goes for arrival too... the men in jumpsuits are not trying to be helpful to you, they just want to charge you a high price to carry a bag a few feet, LOL.)
- We had someone from our agency walking us through the process. This was very helpful, if you have the option. However, we believe that the most helpful part was that they had “friends” there it seems. Hard to say because we cannot understand the language. All we know is that the head of homeland security (or something like that) walked us through with a lot of head nodding. Not sure how we should feel about that, but it got us through and out, and so we can’t complain. We saw him doing it for lots of others as well too, though. This is Africa, after all. If you don’t have connections, you don’t have anything. In any case, having a Congolese guide who can accompany you through the process is GREAT because we don’t speak French and no one here speaks English. You do the math!
- Don’t zip tie your bags or tape them ahead of time. They will make you open them all before checking them anyway, and they do not have a way to break your ties; If all of your sharp objects are already stowed safely inside of the ziptied bags, then neither do you. This really holds up the show. We all learned that lesson the hard way. :) You can pay $10 a bag to have them seriously Saran wrapped after checking them, which is way more secure anyway. Just pay the money and go with that.
- It is very helpful to go through as a GROUP if you can. I cannot imagine doing it alone. Safety and support in numbers.
- Have a good way to carry all important documents, like a great travel organizer that straps on. When you pay your exit tax they give you a receipt called a “go pass” that you CANNOT lose. You need it to board. You will also want your yellow fever card, passport, and boarding pass handy. And cash, of course.
- Security is nothing like in the US. In Congo you just put your bags through a scanner and you walk through a scanner... without taking out your laptop or your nicely ziplocked travel sized liquids or throwing out your water bottles or taking off your belt or shoes or coat. In fact, we took all quantities of liquids through with us. Full water bottles, juice boxes, and all. Not one word. So I guess air travel regulations are not universal? Once again, it made our lives easier, so we are not complaining! Our kiddos had water to drink at the gate, and after all that sweating through the airport process, that was priceless! In any case, all this is to say that you do not have to worry about hurriedly gulping down all your liquids before security... it is not necessary, and will only make you have to pee! :)
- On the subject of pee... the bathrooms here leave much to be desired. They do not have paper, and the sink needs to be turned on by the water valve below. They guy who attends the bathroom wants payment too, or will ask you for things you are carrying. I would definitely go in a group, and bring your own TP just in case.
- There is a small restaurant and souvenir shop at the gate. The souvenirs are pretty nifty, but definitely more than you wouldpay elsewhere. Still, if you forgot a gift for grandma, this is a convenient last chance to pick up something nice. We did not buy from the restaurant (packed out own lunch/snacks) so I cannot comment on that.
- Don’t whip out the camera! For whatever reason, this is a VERY touchy issue here. They have a big problem with people taking pictures and video in public. It is quite serious actually, and there are guards everywhere. The one place that you don’t want any extra attention or trouble is in the airport on your way out! Just use discretion, if you must.
- Once you are on the plane, ENJOY! Whip out your travel bag of fun games or toys and thank the Good Lord Almighty that you are officially on your way HOME!!!
Whelp, that’s about all that I can think of... If you have travelled through Congo and have something to add, please feel free to put it in a comment below. And all you who have yet to travel, GODSPEED!!! We will be prayign you through as well. After all, as great as the head of homeland security is, God is the one who builds families... HE is the most important “connection” you could ever have!
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