This is finally Jen writing! First, I need to apologize for being so delinquent at this blogging thing. Dan has been doing a great job, though, I must say. I love reading the posts that he writes! But I really wanted to share with you all about the whole "stolen cell phone" ordeal, and what God has taught me through such a seemingly insignificant occurrence.
First, you must know that my cell phone is like my "brain" and I probably depend on it too much... I don't know ANYONE'S number without it, and I never know what time it is!!! So having it stolen was very personal to me, and I was very upset. Fortunately, is God's providence, He timed it so that I actually realized the phone was stolen just when I was leaving to go and cut my Dad's grass. Cutting his lawn is a 2 hour job, so I had LOTS of time to think and pray. As I was riding the mower I was telling God how frustrated and hurt I was, how I did not have time for this right now, how the money that we would have to spend on buying a new phone would make any profit from the yead sale pretty much useless, etc. I had been able to narrow it down and figure out who had done it, and I was just feeling so hurt and angry that they would do something so violating as stealing from me. I told God over and over how I just could not understand how anyone could steal... it is a desire that I cannot fathom. I would not be able to live with myself if I stole from someone else, and dishonesty is one of my biggest pet peeves. As I was telling God how I did not understand this person, I realized that I was sounding pretty self righteous... "God, I know that I could never do that..." I knew that I better be careful. Instead I starting praying "God, what do you want me to learn here... I know this is a chance for me to grow, but what are you trying to teach me?" In response, two songs kept running through my head. If you know me, you know that I LOVE music, and it is really one of the ways that I keep my heart tuned into to God. I really feel like (as Pastor Vernon says) music is the language of the soul. So God was speaking to me through this. The first song was "Learning how to Love" (check out this link for a live performance video) by the band Caleb. The song talks about how we all have broken promises, betrayed trusts, been selfish, and made mistakes, and we are all just in the process of "learning how to love." But it is just that... a PROCESS. It is amazing that God and others can love us despite ourselves but it is proof of grace. The chorus says "I've been changing, but I'm still learning how to love..." How true! The second song was "All the way to Kingdom Come" by Rich Mullins (By the way, Rich's music is one of the best sources of wisdom I've found outside of the Bible!). The chorus says:
"We didn't know what love was 'til He came
And He gave love a face and He gave love a nameAnd He gave love away like the sky gives the rain and sun
We were looking for heroes, He came looking for the lost
We were searching for glory, and He showed us a cross
Now we know what love is 'cause He loves us
All the way to kingdom come (All the way)
All the way to kingdom come"
Suddenly, I was struck with the fact that I needed to learn to give more grace. Just as I am still learning how to love, so is this person who took my phone. I have been given a great family, a solid background of growing up in Christian community, and many positive, Godly influences to guide me through the decisions and formative years of my life (and I STILL make wrong, unloving choices!). This person may not have had that. I have not lived in their skin or walked in their shoes, and so I need to remember that they are not at the same place I am. Even more, I only have the capability to love and choose rightly because I have met Jesus. I wouldn't have known what love even was without him... so maybe this "thief" has never really met him. Without God, without a source of love in our life, without learning early in life that others can be trusted, how can one learn how to be trustworthy? I need to take my focus off of judging and grumbling about fairness and blame, and just pray for this person and try to understand where they are coming from. It is a command of Jesus to pray for your enemies, after all! So, my heart has been softened, and now I just pray that one day this person comes to know the love that I have been so privileged to have been given since birth. I hope they are "learning how to love" and meet the one who "gave love a face and gave love a name." And I really am not mad anymore... maybe still annoyed at the inconvenience at times, but my heart is light and unburdened of bitterness. It feels so good. :)
But God was not done with me yet... He spoke again, and said "you know, your adopted children might have issues like these, and you need to learn how to deal with this without getting personally hurt. You need to be able to love your child even if they do this, and have grace to help them learn love." You see, some children enter an adopted family with smiles and love to give, but some enter with emotional baggage, attachment issues, anger, hurt, and a strongly ingrained drive to "fend for themselves" in any way possible. Our children may hoard food, lie, steal from us, react physically, or refuse to let us get close... at least for awhile. And while we are not necessarily expecting this, we need to be prepared for it as a possibility. We need to be ready to see our children with grace, compassion, patience, and love that is not conditional on their return of that love back to us. This brings me to the inclusion of one of my favorite words E.V.E.R. ... Agape. Agape love is the love that Jesus has for us. It is unconditional and self-sacrificial, not based on what it can get in return, and not dependent on any action of others. It is just the pure, self-sacrificial love of putting the needs and service of others at top priority, JUST BECAUSE. Beautiful. This kind of love is beautiful. The only way that we know it even exists... that it isn't just a myth... is through Jesus! I have always wanted to name my first girl Agape, and I am hoping it will be a name representing the character that she will one day grow to embody. But until then, I need to embody it for her. And one way or another, it WILL be tested. Can I do it? Can I love my kids this way when they refuse to love me? Yes, with God's help... yes. Not perfectly! But, yes. And in his wisdom, he is giving me the chance to start learning how to do this even now.
So, the long and short of it is, I am still learning how to love. Thankfully, I am learning it from the one who came to show us what it looks like. With all my heart, this is what I want to do.
Well, if you have made it all the way to the end of this, then I applaud you! Now you know why I let Dan write, LOL, because when I write it turns into a "novel"! But God is being faithful and teaching me much through this whole adoption process, fundraising, yardsale-ing, etc. As we prepare our home for our children, God is preparing our hearts. This is all part of the process of becoming parents, I suppose!
Thank you so much for your prayers and support... they are treasured by Dan and I.
Blessings,
Jen
PS Just have to give a shout-out to my incredible hubby who volunteered to give up his precious iPhone savings so that I can buy a new phone (not an iPhone... I can't handle all that new-fangled technology). He is living proof of Agape love as well, and I love him! (and I will be very thankful to have a phone again!)
No comments:
Post a Comment