Well, it has been a while since we last posted... and there is a very good reason why, too. This "first month home" stuff is pretty crazy! Dan and I are trying to establish basic ground rules, a general schedule or routine, security based on trust, and some semblance of order for our family. This is all way easier said than done.
All in all, the first few weeks home have been good. VERY GOOD for us who were homesick, and generally good for our little girl who is probably feeling a bit homesick herself, but can't tell us about it. Each day has its happiness highs as well as its sad/defiant lows... and more than ever before, each day leaves us feeling absolutely DRAINED, emotionally and physically. This parenting a hurting child is quite the challenge! How can we sum it all up for everyone? Well, a phrase keeps coming to mind "the good, the bad, and the ugly." Change "bad" to "hard" and we can pretty much file everything from our past week into one of these categories, so here goes:
The GOOD:
Justice - Agape loves her brother! From the first moment that she laid eyes on him at the airport, she has been a GREAT big sister! She sings to him, tickles him, soothes him when he cries, and makes him laugh more than any other person on this earth can! The love is reciprocal. He simply adores her, and just loves to look at her and smile. It is so wonderful that they work together so well. We were very worried about jealousy, but that has not seemed to be much of a problem so far. What a blessing from God! Seeing them together is just too beautiful.
Family connections - We have been able to get together with ALMOST all of the family already. While we think that we definitely overdid it with "meetings" the first week, we do know that Agape has felt happy and loved by a lot of people. She has been doing very well with remembering names since we went over them every day in the Congo while looking through the family photo album that we made for her. The family album is in a colorful, compact little 8X8 Shutterfly book, and it has proved to be a great way to prepare her for meeting new family! Whenever we are going to meet someone new we prepare her by reviewing the book together and showing her who we are going to be seeing. Then when she sees them in person she is just tickled to realize that this is the person from the picture... but now they are in real life! We highly recommend making a book like this to take with you if you are going to pick up your child. Throw in a few pics of your child that you have received from your agency. Agape loves to see herself in the family book as well! We will make a new one as well, as soon as we have collected pictures of her with each new person. Probably for Christmas...
Church - We anticipated skipping out on church for a while because of the onslaught of new faces, but it seemed to us that Agape was really missing some peer time, so we decided to take her the first Sunday. It just so happened to be "Orphan Sunday" as well, so it was almost too perfect, and we really couldn't resist. :) Agape did GREAT and loved meeting the kids and making some new friends! Now, our church is very small, and so it was definitely less overwhelming than a larger church might have been. And she only had about 10 kids to meet in her age range, so this was a nice small number. Just perfect for forming some new relationships. And the kids have been waiting for SOOOOOO LONG to meet her, that they were excited to welcome her right in! We have some of the best kiddos around, I think. I may be biased, but hey, they are pretty darn awesome. One of the moms also researched and learned (all on her own!) some Lingala so that she could welcome Agape in her own language. Agape really got a kick out of this, and it definitely was a good ice breaker to make her feel more at home. Church = SUCCESS!
Food - OK, we have a mixed subject here. Food fits into 2 of my categories of this list. I will get to the hard stuff later... but I gotta say that, overall, finding food that Agape likes has been way less of an issue than I anticipated. Agape likes a great many foods that we eat regularly, such as bananas, avocado, bread, PB+J, granola bars, yogurt, eggs, cheese, rice, chicken, pizza, and fish. Casseroles that contain these items are a definite hit, and she has eaten pretty heartily while she's been here. Not to mention that our friends and church family have been making us meals like crazy, and they have been AWESOME! And - per our request - pretty much all include rice. :) Strangely enough, she does not get too into sweets... no candy, cakes, or cookies seem to interest her. Not complaining! She seems to like ice cream now, but she had to warm up to it. Her main food craving, unfortunately, is any kind of SALTY processed snack food that comes in a bag. Chips, chips, cheese curls, and more chips... oh, and pop corn too. The heavily salted, cheesed, and buttered kind. I have a feeling that they ate a lot of this junk food at her orphanage because she talks about eating it a lot... for a lot of meals. Loso (white rice) and salty food: two things she thinks she could live on. That would probably explain why her blood tests revealed some serious nutritional deficits. Just imagine her joy when she gets old enough to realize that we live in walking distance of a major chip factory that gives tours and free samples right off the line! And their chips - Herr's - are pretty much the yummiest EVER! Unfortunately (or maybe FORTUNATELY) for her, we don't really eat much salt... chips only for special occasions, minimal processed foods, and we don't even cook with added salt very often. The poor girl is probably going through sodium withdraw! We are OK with that, and are prepared to weather the storm. Plus, absence makes the heart grow fonder, so it will allow chips to become good bargaining tools, I think! (No, I am NOT above bribing my children. Judge if you like, but there has to be SOME kind of "prize" for completing a sticker chart! Might as well be a bag of Herr's!)
Outside - We have been blessed with a few really lovely days lately, and so Agape has been able to spend a good deal of time outside! We lost a few trees from Sandy, and so Papa has been outside with the chainsaw a lot lately. Agape has been outside with him, just scooting around on the driveway on a kid car or playing with bubbles. She has not gotten too adventurous yet, and just stays right around us, but at least it is better than just hanging out inside! She has a lot energy to burn too, so running outside is a Mom's best friend! We even went for a walk at the park the other day after Mom's jog. Agape played on the play set for 1 hour and then walked a half mile with us. It was a great start to getting her ready for our family hikes. We are quite the active family, especially in summertime, so she's going to have to be ready!
Swimming - HIGHLIGHT OF THE PAST FEW WEEKS! Agape absolutely loves the pool at the Y! She calls swimming "le plunge" and she talks about it all the time. always asking if we can go now. If she colors a picture in her coloring book, it is always of something that is swimming or floating in water. And last night when she was skyping with her awesome Lingala friend, Lucy, she was telling her all about it and acting it out! Now, truth be told, Agape is not technically "swimming" yet... she is quite the drama mamma and screams like the world is ending over any little thing. This includes getting a mouthful of water or having one of us help her learn how to kick her legs. Oh well... she will get it... Oh, the torture of helping her learn to do something that she LIKES! LOL But seriously, we know she loves swimming A LOT because despite these little cataclysmic occurences, she - like any other child - never wants to leave the water when I say it is time to go! She never looks more full of joy than when she is in the pool, or at least knows that we will be going there soon
Jogging - not her, ME! I have been so thankful for the opportunity to still run on Dan's days off. I need to give my hubby HUGE props for this. He KNOWS how much I love/need to jog... and he helps to make it possible for me to GO! I am a much better and happier momma after a run. It's good for the whole family!!!
Bedtime (my favorite time of day!) - Since coming home Agape has slept every night in her own room in her own bed, PTL!!! There were 2 nights where she fought us on going to sleep and screamed for an hour straight, and we do have occasional trouble with the whole "getting ready for bed" routine (ie STALLING), but overall the bedtime routine that we established from the first night in Congo (story, bible story, lights off, prayer, hug and kiss) has worked like a charm. It helps her wind down and feel safe and cozy. Blessing!
The HARD:
The power struggles - This is an everyday occurrence. Mornings are the worst, and things tend to get better as the day goes on. It is almost like we have to reestablish every day that we are her momma and Papa, and we are indeed in charge.... and us being in charge means her GOOD, not her destruction. This struggle usually begins with eating breakfast. It always begins with us asking her to do something or putting food in front of her. Even if she asks for something herself - and we KNOW that it is something she is familiar with and she has happily downed it many times before - she almost immediately decides that she hates it, and it is disgusting. Then she refuses to eat, and very dramatically acts out how horrible the food tastes - usually complete with grimacing, moaning, eye rolling, and whining... sometimes she even throws in a few gagging spells and sticking out her tongue. This is usually followed by a swing in the other emotional direction by her becoming stone cold, refusing to look at us, and refusing to speak. Sometimes "going limp" happens now, and sometimes the "statue stand" occurs. Either way, the desired effect is defiance and gaining a "begging" reaction (and control) from us when we try time and again to get her to even look at us. The girl is smart... she knows that we cannot physically make her eyeballs look at us, so she figures that this is the most surefire means of effective defiance. Instead I just count to 3, and on three her only option is to answer/look or go up to her room. This is usually when the wailing begins. As soon as I pick up the puddle/statue child, she begins screaming bloody murder - my personal favorite part of the whole ordeal... NOT (Eye-yi-yi-yi-yi!!!). The desired result is attention and control. The actual result is a lot of of patience learning on our part. Once we put her in the time out chair or her room, the waiting begins. Sometimes it is over very quickly, but sometimes she can drag it out for an hour or more. She is African, so she is very patient. :) We keep checking in with "finished?" whenever the crying out stops. When she is ready to look at us and apologize then the ordeal is over and she returns to finish her now very soggy cereal or very cold eggs.
OK, so this process is NO FUN for anyone involved, but we have been making progress! She has been trying new things lately, she has realized that she really does have to finish her meals before she will get to eat anything else or go anywhere, and she also seems to understand that we do in fact mean business when we set a rule. Tonight we had a similar showdown at dinnertime, and all in all she sat at the table for 2 hours, but it was a fairly happy 2 hours, and she did finish without a single cry. Yesterday morning she tried to hide the granola bar she had chosen for breakfast in her hand instead of eating it, but when I discovered it and told her the deal (no breakfast = no swimming) and she responded IMMEDIATELY. She did not want to chance that one! All in all, improving slowly.
Of course this is only one of the power struggle areas... I could go on and on... but the most important thing to note is how there are 2 things that have been helping here: 1. Our consistency in the standards that we set and the rewards/punishments that we state. 2. Our bonding with her and her corresponding trust in us and our love for her. The more she feels loved, the less she fights for control. This makes sense, of course, but it is hard to remember in the heat of the moment when the screamo is going on. Just remember, she is feeling insecure, so she is slipping back into frightened orphan mode. The only thing that will change that is love and consistency!
Alone Time - Huh? What IS that???? Haven't had that in a while! SEriously, after the kids fall asleep (which is usually at about 10pm) we are DONE. EXHAUSTED, mentally, physically, and emotionally. That is why it has taken me so long to write this blog post! By the time I put the kids to bed, I am so emotionally spent from giving all of me to Agape all day that I don't have the emotional strength to get it all out in cohesive words! Yup, this is just a tad hard on the whole "love life" but of course we did have a baby this year too, so we were pretty prepared for that, haha. All in all, we are completely worn out, but when we snuggle up and fall asleep in bed at night - for that SPLIT SECOND between snuggling into the pillow and being dead asleep - we know that our love is still just as strong as it ever was. So thankful that I have Dan. SO SO SO THANKFUL. If our marriage was not strong, this would not work. But the bottom line is that we are best friends who can certainly DO hard. The first 5 years of marriage were spend working and going to college - not to mention nursing school. We know how to make "no sleep, no time, to money" work, and we also know we will be stronger for it. I could pick no one better to be on my team. I LOVE MY HUSBAND! Thank you Lord. :)
The UGLY:
Still an orphan - this is just a matter of fact: Agape is still very much in "orphan mode" a lot of the time. We are not sure that she really understands yet that this is FOREVER. Nothing can change it. Nothing will send her back. Nothing will stop our love. Nothing will cause her to be abused. Nothing. For now, she still slips into the role of self-preserving orphan on a daily basis. She does not understand what family even means. We have to define it for her. But if she feels threatened by new circumstances or pain then she quickly freaks out. Getting shots is the worst. She cries out so loudly and struggles so much. It took Dan and 3 nurses to hold her down - pin her - to get blood for blood work. Meanwhile she was screaming so much that every child within earshot started to cry as well. Justice shrieked when he heard her. Both my kids were crying. One was most likely cursing me out in Lingala. She was MAD. And SCARED. She even cried out for her birth mother when crying for me did not work. Ugly, heart wrenching, stick-with-you-forever kinda scene. I hated it. Her wounds are deep. Unfortunately there are going to be times when I will let her down or seem to be betraying her (times like shots). Bottom line, she has to learn to trust. This is going to take a LONG time.
Tantrums - OH MY. If only you could hear her crying! This girl can WAIL! And she can be totally faking, but be oh so convincing. Tears can be streaming, and she can turn it on and off with a smile. The trantrums come with kicking and flailing too. FUN! They also tend to come when others are around to watch (ie in public or with guests). The girl likes to have an audience. :) This just comes with the territory, unfortunately. Child + wounded past + insecurity = ticking time bomb. But hey, we knew this when we signed up for adoption, so we are as prepped as we can be! Overall, the trantrums are getting less, I think, and shorter in duration. A few weeks ago she flew into a fit over something while walking to the car and started the wailing. I had tried everything to get her to stop but nothing was working, and so I finally, once we were all buckled inside the car, just started wailing too. Totally calm, not angry or upset, just making noise. She hated it! Flew into a louder rage. I got louder. She got louder. I just kept on pacing myself and looked totally nonchalant. Every time she would stop to take a breath I said "Agape finished, then mamma finished. Finished?" This would just elicit fresh screaming. But then FINALLY she stopped like a light switch, looked at me, and said "Momma, FINISHED! Stop." I asked her to say sorry, she did, and the wailing was OVER. She has only had one crying fit with me since. She knows now that it does not get anywhere, and she really is annoyed at my wailing, haha. I think that it finally got through that the crying fits are not a good way to get what you want, at least not when its with mom, anyways (she did try the crying in children's church the other day, and it worked with the unsuspecting teachers at first, but then I called her bluff). She told papa about the whole thing later and then reminded him "NO CRYING, PAPA!" Obviously, something stuck. Now, this method would probably make attachment theorists wince, but hey, it worked for us. Tantrums still happen (Oh, Thanksgiving was BAD...) but they are getting better overall!
Wounds from past - Won't say much about this, except the ugly truth is that she has been abused in many ways. Physical scars prove it. Emotional scars impact our daily life. And the more english she learns and Lingala we learn, the more she can tell us. It is NOT pretty. American children, getting mildly spanked by parents who love you is the LEAST of your causes for complaint... you want to talk about emotionally scarring, just talk to someone who has been beat or otherwise punished by someone without restraint and without love. U G L Y.
Our own hearts - the ugly truth about US, is that we see so much of this orphan girl in ourselves and the way that we relate to God. Whenever my daughter is fighting me on eating breakfast, or throwing a fit to get her way, or freaking out over shots, calling for ANYONE to come to her aid - these moments just remind of how I do this to God. I fight his good will for me, I beg and beg to get my way and get so angry if I don't, and I turn to anyone/anything else for comfort so often when I should be turning to God. It is crazy how much I live as an orphan when I have such a GOOD heavenly father. BUt he is even more patient with me as Dan and I are with Agape, and so I will never be able to make his love go away. I will never be 'too bad" or 'too rebellious" to lose his grace. And thank God for that, because without his grace how on earth would I understand how to have grace for adoption? It is not easy to raise children and to put their needs above my own, but because of Jesus and HIS love and example, I CAN. Thank God that he is changing our hearts and making us new. We are his children. And Agape is mine. Grace abounds.
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