This weekend we re-"treated" ourselves to our first adoption retreat. Not just our first, but most people's first actually.
Why?
Because, until this past weekend, there were no retreats like this on the east coast. So we can now cross off our bucket list that we attended the first annual "Together Called" sponsored by The Sparrow Fund. Mark and Kelly, founders of The Sparrow Fund, might be our new favorite people ever. We hope they make like Spock and "Live long and prosper."
You can help make that happen by doing one simple thing. Giving them lots of money. Actually, give them all your money so that they can continue to give grants to adopting families and host more fantastic events like "Together Called". I guess if I'm petitioning you to ruin your financial future for this I should probably share why this retreat was so good.
Gladly.
The retreat was held at a quaint, cozy, and lost-in-time kinda place in Leola. Our rooms were great, and the abundance of food was great too. Even greater was the people. Over 60 couples gathered together spanning as far as New Hampshire all the way to Utah. All because of adoption. I love that.
We all had our unique stories, but we had something really big in common together. We've met the orphan crisis face-to-face, and collectively have said, "You are not greater than the Love we bring." Between all the families present we had over 180 children (186 I think?), and 108 of them were former orphans from all over the world.
During the retreat we were treated to good food, prizes, fellowship, amazing speakers, and most importantly - time together.
That's a rarity in our house these days with two needy children pining for us constantly. But we were able to actually sit down and talk and enjoy each other's company uninterrupted. We realized that we still like each other a whole lot (which is a very good thing), and that we need this feeling to not be drowned in the work of parenthood. With that we are committed to making changes that will keep our marriage strong in the midst of daily life. We need it, and our children need it.
With this statement we know that Satan will try to shut the notion down quickly, but we are ready for the challenge.
On a side note. We've been pretty committed to being an open book about our adoption journey. We haven't really strived to be the best writers on the internet (we met a woman who might be that person this weekend though), we don't want to be some big blog that everyone feels like they have to read. We just want to be honest about what we go through without looking like picture perfect people. We want people to know that adoption is hard work and scary. But it is worth it, and it is necessary.
So I share our difficulty maintaining our marriage for a few reasons. Firstly, so you can pray for us, we need still need it even though we are able to hold our two children in our arms. Secondly, it's normal to go through these difficulties and not bad either as long as you address them properly.
Back to the retreat. This morning we ended the weekend with a small and quaint Bible study with about a dozen other couples. The rest had to leave earlier. The Bible study was very simple and actually summarizes what I take away from this weekend pretty well. Here are some of the verses we talked about, and my thoughts on them.
Phil 1:6 - being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
2: 1-2 - Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind.
2:17 - But even if I am being poured out like a drink offering on the sacrifice and service coming from your faith, I am glad and rejoice with all of you.
3:12-14 - Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at me goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
We have never been with so many other people who share our greatest passion before. It filled our cup hearing how our struggles with over coming the orphan inside our daughter are shared with so many other people. It didn't make the problem itself better at all, but helps us knowing that we are not the only ones dealing with this same thing. More importantly, God did not finish his good work in our daughter be bringing her home to us. He isn't finished with her yet, and we can't wait to see what he does with her in the years to come.
Thanks for reading, and Blessings to you all.
P.S. Please do consider making a donation to the Sparrow Fund. They are doing great work, and are deserving of any amount you are able to give. http://www.sparrow-fund.org/
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
To Love the Least of These
As life goes on for us I'm noticing more clearly how big the orphan crisis is in this world. It started in high school when Jen and I did missions work with orphans living at an AIDS camp in Nassau. Their desperate cry for a family was so apparent that they called us "mom" and "dad". We tragically lost contact with the children, they were aged out of the orphanage into who knows were, their picture is still up in our house. They will forever be a strong reminder of how much the least of these need us.
Since that time we have been constantly inspired to stay involved in orphan care through incredible organizations like Show Hope, Love146, International Justice Mission, and Watoto. It was no surprise to our family and close friends when we pursued adoption ourselves.
Being in Congo gave me my biggest taste of the orphan crisis yet. The images I saw at two of the orphanages there will forever be burned into my mind. Seeing the children lined up against the wall in the dark room we were sitting as they stared back at me with such a lifeless gaze was uncomfortable to say the least. I still wonder how much love and time it would take to bring those children back to life. The power of a family is immense, and I encourage all who are reading this to realize how much you have needed being a part of a family.
Going through the adoption process was exciting in many ways for us. Seeing how so many strangers responded to our story and supported us through our fund raising efforts. We raised a ton of money, and we are all so thankful for those who were a part of that. It helped remind us how big of a task we were called to do. We are still reminded even today how big of a task this is. Aside from living life with an adopted child, we have met many people who are themselves in the process of adopting. We even spent time Skype-ing with a couple last night who are starting the process of adoption. To see the energy they had for this was great, and we are looking forward to seeing where adoption takes them.
Adoption is the medicine that an orphan needs to be made well. We know this to be true from our own experience with Agape (it's a rough process, but it is working). Our desire has always been that God would use our story to inspire others to be involved with caring for orphans as well. He is also using so many other families in the same way.
We've been listening to a song that describes my thoughts on this well. The band Audio Adrenaline, back from an almost seven year hiatus, has returned with a new lead singer and a new album being released next month. Audio Adrenaline founded an orphanage in Haiti named "The Hands and Feet Project" inspired from one of their biggest hit songs "Hands and Feet". Even though the band holds only one original member it still carries the original passion for mission work, and more specifically orphan ministry. The album has not been released yet, but you can stream it online once if you pre-buy it. I can tell you for sure that you will enjoy it immensely. For fans of Christian music from the 90's, the new lead singer is Kevin Max of dcTalk. He has returned to the scene shedding his bad boy image while keeping the edgy sound his unique voice holds. Below am sharing the music video for the single Kings & Queens. A new favorite of mine. Welcome back kmax.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
My time how you fly.
So a fellow adoptive parent reminded me yesterday that the 23rd marked three months since our "Gotcha Day" for Agape.
Wow, three months already?
Whoa, only three months?
Unfortunately, yesterday was a more difficult day for Agape behavior wise. She was sent home early from school on Tuesday for having a "fever". We checked it at home and it was 98.8, so not really sure about that. She was not able to return to school until she was fever-free for 24 hours. So yesterday was a homeschool day. It wasn't pretty. Apparently, to her home is a place of playing and fun. Without going in to much detail, some days we just can't get her to listen. Anyway, times like those make us feel like we aren't getting anywhere in her adjustment to home life. An honest reflection would show otherwise. Here are some quick facts about how Agape has grown since she was in the Congo.
She has grown over 3 inches, and gain about 8 or 9 lbs.
She is speaking very little Lingala anymore. She can do basic communication with just English.
Her ear infection has cleared. However more work will be required in the future.
She actually enjoys coloring and painting. Couldn't get her to hold a crayon before.
She is going to school, and enjoying it. Before she would have a breakdown if she wasn't with Jen.
Those are just a few of the measurable things to mention. Her behavior is mostly better, but as other adoptive parents have noted you deal with one orphan behavior and then realize it is followed by another. Agape is a work in progress. Day by day we are peeling away her orphan heart. It will take time, perseverance, and love to totally win her over. Thankfully, we have all three.
Adoption is still difficult, but more worth doing than ever.
Blessings to you all.
Wow, three months already?
Whoa, only three months?
Unfortunately, yesterday was a more difficult day for Agape behavior wise. She was sent home early from school on Tuesday for having a "fever". We checked it at home and it was 98.8, so not really sure about that. She was not able to return to school until she was fever-free for 24 hours. So yesterday was a homeschool day. It wasn't pretty. Apparently, to her home is a place of playing and fun. Without going in to much detail, some days we just can't get her to listen. Anyway, times like those make us feel like we aren't getting anywhere in her adjustment to home life. An honest reflection would show otherwise. Here are some quick facts about how Agape has grown since she was in the Congo.
She has grown over 3 inches, and gain about 8 or 9 lbs.
She is speaking very little Lingala anymore. She can do basic communication with just English.
Her ear infection has cleared. However more work will be required in the future.
She actually enjoys coloring and painting. Couldn't get her to hold a crayon before.
She is going to school, and enjoying it. Before she would have a breakdown if she wasn't with Jen.
Those are just a few of the measurable things to mention. Her behavior is mostly better, but as other adoptive parents have noted you deal with one orphan behavior and then realize it is followed by another. Agape is a work in progress. Day by day we are peeling away her orphan heart. It will take time, perseverance, and love to totally win her over. Thankfully, we have all three.
Adoption is still difficult, but more worth doing than ever.
Blessings to you all.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Christmas Letter 2012
Hey people! Yes we still love our blog, but we love our children more and they have needed more of our attention lately. A quick post for you to read is our Christmas Letter for the past year. Definitely our most favorite Christmas Letter ever. As you might remember, every year we set aside some of our Christmas savings and donate to a cause that we feel strongly about that year. This year we decided to bless some families still in the process of adopting from the Congo with a financial gift. You may also remember that we design and make ornaments to send with our physical copies of the letter. This years ornament was themed around the idea that the world has one less orphan. So here is the letter. Hope you enjoy. Below I've also shared our Christmas card that I designed myself.
"Oh, wonderful 2012! What a year! It has brought many smiles, tears, trials, and triumphs. The theme of this year for us has been - without a doubt - fulfillment and faithfulness. We have seen lifelong dreams and brand new surprises come to life in our home and in our hearts, and God has been faithful through it all to fulfill every promise he has given us. So many plans have come full circle, and this December finds us overflowing with thanks, awe, and rejoicing as we look back over this past year and reminisce about how far our family has come and the memories that were made a long the way.
"Oh, wonderful 2012! What a year! It has brought many smiles, tears, trials, and triumphs. The theme of this year for us has been - without a doubt - fulfillment and faithfulness. We have seen lifelong dreams and brand new surprises come to life in our home and in our hearts, and God has been faithful through it all to fulfill every promise he has given us. So many plans have come full circle, and this December finds us overflowing with thanks, awe, and rejoicing as we look back over this past year and reminisce about how far our family has come and the memories that were made a long the way.
First and foremost, children have finally entered the Shultz household, and our lives have definitely reached a new level of awesome/crazy! As most of you know, this year God has blessed us with double the fun: 2 children who make every moment interesting.
Introducing....
Justice Aidan Shultz! Born June 17th, 2012, 6 lbs 4 oz, 21 1/2 inches, at 9:05 pm. Currently the little man-child (as I call him) is about 17 lbs and 28 inches. Besides being on a strict schedule of GROWING, his days are spent bouncing, bouncing, bouncing in his jumper. He almost never stops moving and is definitely the epitome of a “busy” baby. He gets that from his momma! At the same time, he is also a pretty easygoing dude, happy anywhere, doing anything, with anyone. He gets that from his Daddy! He is full of smiles and laughter, and he definitely keeps US laughing! A few of his favorite things - besides bouncing and teething - are swimming, dancing to Toby Mac, going for hikes (in the Ergo baby, of course), being held by Auntie Emma, and playing with his big sister Agape. She makes him happier than anyone else can! Justice was the very best unplanned surprse we have ever recieved, and he just fills our home with joy and energy every day.
Agape May Mado Shultz! Her “gotcha day” in Congo was October 21st, her homecoming was November 2nd, and her 7th birthday was on December 7th. So many milestones in such a short time! Although her entire world has changed almost overnight, she is adjusting very well, learning a lot of English, and making lots of new friends. Our girlie is a spunky, spirited, joyful, drama-mamma who loves to sing, dance, and be silly. She definitely has a quick wit, the heartiest laugh we have ever heard, and also a very nurturing side. Her favorite things to do are go swimming and play with Justice, and she LOVES music! She also absolutely ADORES her new extended family, and especially loves her many sets of grandparents (they spoil her well). She has her rough days, and we have already had our first big hospital scare (a severe seizure reaction to some immunizaion) but overall, she is doing GREAT. We have been so blessed to finally have her HOME with us! This has been the best fulfilled promise we have ever recieved and it is obvious that God meant her for us and us for her. :)
I (Jen) have had an interesring year, to say the least... becoming a mom twice over in a matter of a few short months is a little crazy! This spring I finished my education at Liberty with a BS in Elementary Education, and completed my student teaching at Bethany Christian School. It was wonderful to be back in the classroom with some awesome students and teachers! It was even more wonderful to finally be DONE my schooling! Then it was time to give birth, enjoy the summer of baby “firsts”, and travel to Congo in the fall to bring home Agape. The highlight of my year, besides children, has definitely been a return to running and lifting weights. I used to love these activities in high school, but have not had time to pursue them regularly since getting married and being in perpetual full time work/ college mode. The pregnancy spurred me on to be more active again, and I have loved the blessings of long runs in Nottingham Park and around our community, and time spent at our local YMCA. Highlights and accomplishments include: running 10-12 miles daily up until the day before going into labor, hiking in the New Hampshire mountains at 1 month postpardum, running my first 5K and coming in 1st for my age group, and just plain feeling healthier and stronger than ever before. Major props go to Dan for supporting all my hours on the trail and in the gym, to my dad for treating all of my injuries, and to our favoritest baby-sitter ever, Miss Elizabeth Keeler, for her mad skills in keeping my kids happy, safe, and entertained while I run. Oh, and we can’t forget the awesome staff at the Y and its Kids Korner. We go just about every day, and it has been a huge blessing for the whole family: fitness center, play room, classes, swimming... something to keep everyone active all year long. Life is good!
Dan has been busy working his job as a stroke nurse at Christiana. He enjoys his work and the people he works with, and THAT in itself is a huge blessing! He is also on the Quality and Safety Unit Council at work and really loves all the different roles that his job provides for him. This has been his first full year without being in school, and he has been loving it... although he is already starting to talk about going back to pursue his Masters! Nursing is just a perfect fit for him. He also ran his first 5K this year, and has enjoyed his time out on the trails of Nottingham as well, challenging himself to run farther and faster. In between working, running, and keeping me sane, Dan has enjoyed watching Captain America and The Avengers, perfecting his barista skills at home, and working on his photography. With Justice being born and Agape coming home he has had a lot of new material to work with! Dan has also been writing a lot of our adoption blogs this year, and his perfect blend of humor, sarcasm, and heart have often blown me away. He is passionate about adoption, his children, and seeing social justice fulfilled in the world around us, and this is spoken loud and clear through his posts. (I am so proud of my husband) Otherwise, his days are full to overflowing with being the best friend, hubby, and dad that our family could ask for, and he is still my favorite person EVER. :) Plus, he presses the absolute BEST cup of fair trade coffee you have ever had and makes some slamming pancakes... if you ever need a good hearty breakfast and coffee that will keep you buzzing all day, please stop on by!
As a family, we have shared some amazing trips and experiences. Dan and I went on a short “babymoon” to St John in January, and spent a few days hiking and snorkeling all over the island (which is 75% national park!). It was jaw-droppingly gorgeous, and so wonderful to get away together one last time before the days of diapers, bottles, and meltdowns were upon us. Afterward we visited my mom and Bill in Florida (where they “snowbird”), toured the everglades, and saw manatees who were wintering with their calves. Beautiful! And awesome to see my newlywed mom so happy. :) In the summer we went with my family to a gorgeous secluded lake in the White Mountains of New Hampshire. A week together in the “quirky” lakehouse provided us with many adventures, stories, and laughter. The solitude and natural surroundings were unbelievable, and it was a rejuvenating and precious time hiking, swimming, boating, and making memories. Then in August we had the priviledge of seeing my long time bestest-best friend Kady get married to the man of her dreams. It was an HONOR to serve as her bridesmaid, and I could not be happier for them!!!! In September we took a quick camping trip to Lakewood in Myrtle Beach, our annual favorite family vacation. Then in October we travelled to Congo, Africa! Otherwise, we have just been enjoying our first ever summer and fall with NO COLLEGE since getting married 7 years ago! Fun! The downside to that is, of course, that we are now paying student loans, but that’s just life. :) We filled this summer and fall with “firsts” for Justice, took every chance to head to the beach for a day trip, and ate waaaaaaay too much ice cream from the Strasburg Creamery. (Ummm... nevermind. On second thought, there is NO such thing as “too much ice cream”) Now we are on to family bonding and enjoying “firsts” for Agape... first Christmas everything has been really fun! The Christmas trees and the lights at Herrs have been her favorites! We are excited to see what 2013 has in store.
And now that we are home with our daughter, we have turned our focus from supporting our own adoption to supporting the adoptions of others who are still in process... Agape has lots of friends that still need to be united with their families! So we are unwaveringly dedicated to striving for “1 Less” every new day: 1 less orphan. 1 less hurting child. 1 less family waiting. And when there is 1 less of one thing, that means there is 1 MORE of another: 1 more sister or brother home. 1 more child loved. 1 more family complete. 1 more chance for God’s kingdom to be fulfilled right here on earth!!! Adoption is the Gospel. We have been adopted as God’s children, and nothing can ever stop his love for us. And because he loves us, so we can love others!
For our ornament this year we have painted a “1 less” ornament. For us, this means that every day we are working toward 1 less orphan. Each one of you who supported us in the past year through prayer, donations, and encouragements has been a part of OUR “1 less”!!! Now, this ornament can be a reminder to spend a little time each day creating your own new “1 less”: 1 less lonely person, one less person hungry, one less extra coat in your closet... and 1 more person kept warm on a cold night. You get the picture! The Kingdom of Heaven is all about creating 1 LESS hurting soul by being a conduit of God’s LOVE everywhere you go. This is how Jesus lives, and this is how we want to live too! For each ornament we are giving this year we are sending $ in your honor to a family who is in process to bring their child home from Congo. Now go out and “pay it forward” by doing something to love those God has put around you today!
BLESSINGS on you and your family in 2013, and we pray that we will see you, talk to you, and meet up sometime throughout the next year. If not, please catch us on facebook as Dan N Jen Shultz or at our blog (which we occasionally keep up with) shultzadoption.blogspot.com. As we all embark upon a new year together, may God be with you all!!!! MUCH LOVE!
PS HUUUUUGE shout-out to everyone who helped us bring Agape home. Whether you prayed, donated, gave encouragement, or watched our bud Justice while we were in Congo for two weeks (the HARDEST part of the whole trip was leaving him behind) we could NOT have done it without YOU!!!"
Monday, December 10, 2012
There is a reason
Many of you know that Agape recently spent a few days in the hospital for a long episode of uncontrollable shaking and weakness. To make the story brief, she had many tests done that were all negative. Thankfully Agape recovered on her own, and she is back to herself again. No real conclusion as to why it happened, but we do believe that it may have been a rare reaction to some of the vaccines she received the day before the shaking happened.
I have a friend who has recently experienced a similar scare with a loved one. When talking with my friend we struggled with the harsh reality that bad things happen to good people, and we can't always understand why.
People I tell you this for sure. There is always a reason. This reason has nothing to do with a distant god that cares little for our well being, and actually enjoys our plight. This couldn't be farther from the truth. I can't explain why Agape had to go through so many needles, tests, and discomfort, but I do realize a few things relating to this situation.
If Agape had this happen to her a few months earlier, or if we hadn't picked her up from the Congo yet, she would have gone through this alone. If she was able to go to a hospital no one would have been by her bed, and the diagnostic testing would not have been nearly as reliable.
The next night after Agape was discharged we went to see a TobyMac concert in Philly. Agape loved it! The lights, the music, the friends, her face gave her away, she was having a blast. During the intermission of the concert a pastor came out and shared about an organization that provides food to people who are starving. Here is what he shared:
There are 7 billion people in the world right now. If you take 100 people that represent the socioeconomic standing of the entire world and put them in a room this is how it breaks down. Of those 100 people, 50 of them will die of hunger, only 7 of them have access to the internet, and only 2 can decide if they go to college. Obviously, America is represented by the "2" people. Most of the world does not live like us.
I can't say for sure why Agape had to go through what she did last week. I'm not sure why anyone ever has to go through any sort of tragedy, but I am reminded of one thing that I know if true. We have the power to make a difference in this world. Whether it is your neighbor across the street, or the orphans of Africa, they need us in their times of trouble. One Bible verse comes to mind that states this thought more clearly than I ever could.
Proverbs 3:27-28 - "Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, when it is in your power to act. Do not say to your neighbor, 'Come back tomorrow and I'll give it to you' - when you already have it with you."
What I love about this verse so much is that it is not so much about worship in the sense that Americans tend to think. It's not about a church service with singing, praying, and preaching. It's about being present in the needs of our world around us, and giving ourselves to make it better.
To make this happen it is going to cost us people. What is it going to cost us exactly?
Your comfort.
Do you really need that new iPad for Christmas? A 64 GB iPad with the data plan costs $829 (excluding the cost of the monthly data plan). With that same amount of money here is what you can also do:
13 small animals to a farmer - $101
Safe water innovations for clean drinking water - $50
Clothing for children - $75
1 year of school for 2 orphans - $70 x 2 = $140
Backpack and school supplies - $22
Life saving medicines and supplies - $60
Bicycle for a girl - $85
15 fruit trees - $90
Feed a family in the USA for 1 week - $112
Vaccinations - $41
Ship and deliver a wheelchair - $50
Grand total = $826
Actually that is LESS than an iPad. All these I mentioned above are things that people in the world need in order to live, and they can't get them without our help. You don't have to spend lots of money to adopt a child to do something great. Any one of these things from World Vision will change someone's life for the better.
So with this I encourage you all to open your eyes to the world around you, and do something to make it better. If you need any ideas on how to do it you have 11 suggestions right here.
Blessings to you all.
I have a friend who has recently experienced a similar scare with a loved one. When talking with my friend we struggled with the harsh reality that bad things happen to good people, and we can't always understand why.
People I tell you this for sure. There is always a reason. This reason has nothing to do with a distant god that cares little for our well being, and actually enjoys our plight. This couldn't be farther from the truth. I can't explain why Agape had to go through so many needles, tests, and discomfort, but I do realize a few things relating to this situation.
If Agape had this happen to her a few months earlier, or if we hadn't picked her up from the Congo yet, she would have gone through this alone. If she was able to go to a hospital no one would have been by her bed, and the diagnostic testing would not have been nearly as reliable.
The next night after Agape was discharged we went to see a TobyMac concert in Philly. Agape loved it! The lights, the music, the friends, her face gave her away, she was having a blast. During the intermission of the concert a pastor came out and shared about an organization that provides food to people who are starving. Here is what he shared:
There are 7 billion people in the world right now. If you take 100 people that represent the socioeconomic standing of the entire world and put them in a room this is how it breaks down. Of those 100 people, 50 of them will die of hunger, only 7 of them have access to the internet, and only 2 can decide if they go to college. Obviously, America is represented by the "2" people. Most of the world does not live like us.
I can't say for sure why Agape had to go through what she did last week. I'm not sure why anyone ever has to go through any sort of tragedy, but I am reminded of one thing that I know if true. We have the power to make a difference in this world. Whether it is your neighbor across the street, or the orphans of Africa, they need us in their times of trouble. One Bible verse comes to mind that states this thought more clearly than I ever could.
Proverbs 3:27-28 - "Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, when it is in your power to act. Do not say to your neighbor, 'Come back tomorrow and I'll give it to you' - when you already have it with you."
What I love about this verse so much is that it is not so much about worship in the sense that Americans tend to think. It's not about a church service with singing, praying, and preaching. It's about being present in the needs of our world around us, and giving ourselves to make it better.
To make this happen it is going to cost us people. What is it going to cost us exactly?
Your comfort.
Do you really need that new iPad for Christmas? A 64 GB iPad with the data plan costs $829 (excluding the cost of the monthly data plan). With that same amount of money here is what you can also do:
13 small animals to a farmer - $101
Safe water innovations for clean drinking water - $50
Clothing for children - $75
1 year of school for 2 orphans - $70 x 2 = $140
Backpack and school supplies - $22
Life saving medicines and supplies - $60
Bicycle for a girl - $85
15 fruit trees - $90
Feed a family in the USA for 1 week - $112
Vaccinations - $41
Ship and deliver a wheelchair - $50
Grand total = $826
Actually that is LESS than an iPad. All these I mentioned above are things that people in the world need in order to live, and they can't get them without our help. You don't have to spend lots of money to adopt a child to do something great. Any one of these things from World Vision will change someone's life for the better.
So with this I encourage you all to open your eyes to the world around you, and do something to make it better. If you need any ideas on how to do it you have 11 suggestions right here.
Blessings to you all.
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Learning to Sing
Tonight.... was beautiful.
I want to remember it, so I need to write about it and share it with you.
Tonight started off as challenging for 2 reasons. First, I spent the morning sick in bed. Just feeling pretty nauseous and wiped. (Now my sister and grandmother are also sick... must have shared germs at Thanksgiving, yum!) Second, Dan is working the night shift, so I was on my own for afternoon, dinner, and bed routines for the kids. We usually double-team it to cover both kiddos simultaneously at bedtime, so I had to get a little creative to make tonight flow for both Justice's bottle feeding and Agape's bed routine. I am still feeling pretty wiped, so I was ready for bed before any of the kids were, but we still had to do bottles, teeth brushing, and books. The usual.
This is when it got sweet. Agape and I sat on the floor and did an I-Spy book while I fed Justice on my lap. Then it was time to climb into bed to read our nightly Bible story. Usually I climb in next to her to read. Tonight I put Justice on the pillow beside Agape so that I could hold the bottle in one hand and the Bible in the other... and hope to avoid excess air bubbles for Justice while not losing my place for Agape. Basic momma work.
Midway through the story Justice finished and I removed the bottle. Instead of protesting the end of the milk supply, he immediately rolled toward Agape, snuggled his face into her chest, and fell asleep without a single wimper or complaint. Agape put her arm around him and snuggled right in as I finished her story.
The part of the story that I was reading went like this:
"Jesus knew that God would always love and watch over the world he had made - everything in it - birds, flowers, tree, animals, everything! And most of all, his children. Even though people had forgotten, the birds and the flowers had not forgotten - they still knew their song. It was the song all of God's creation had sung to him from the very beginning. It was the song people's hearts were made to sing: "God made us. He loves us. He is very pleased with us." It was why Jesus had come into the world: to sing them that wonderful song; to sing it not only with his voice, but with his whole life - so that God's children could remember it and join in and sing it, too."
... I think my children are singing...
Can you imagine trying to choke out these words while seeing your two children - your dearest heart of hearts - all snuggled together like this. After all of the hoping, praying, struggling, fearing, fundraising, crying, sacrificing, and trusting in God to get your daughter home safely to join your family. After the surprise and struggle of an unplanned pregnancy in the middle of all of the adoption craziness and uncertainty. Last year I did not know either of these children... one was still a faceless hope and one was just a brand new formless surprise. Now, just one short year later, it was truly like something out of a dream. Jesus was present in the bedroom tonight. His grace and love were palpable. As we keep singing each day, "Yesu azali awa, na bisou" - Jesus is here with us.
Agape wanted Justice to sleep with her, but I had to tell her no. She was sad about that but didn't fight and gave Justice a nice kiss goodnight, saying "goodnight Buddy-bud." (She ADORES him!) Then I hugged and kissed her and told her - just like I say every night - "Goodnight Agape, I love you" As I was getting up to take Justice to his bed I heard her say quietly "I love you too."
I love you too.
This may not sound like much, but can I tell you how amazing those words sound to me? ... because this is the first time that she has said them in response to my goodnight. This is the best thing that my momma heart can hear. (Plus, it was in English!)
I turned around to see her smiling.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is a moment that I will never forget. Many more battles still to fight, but the war is already won, thanks to the Singer.
Love wins.
Every time.
And now, I am singing too...
I want to remember it, so I need to write about it and share it with you.
Tonight started off as challenging for 2 reasons. First, I spent the morning sick in bed. Just feeling pretty nauseous and wiped. (Now my sister and grandmother are also sick... must have shared germs at Thanksgiving, yum!) Second, Dan is working the night shift, so I was on my own for afternoon, dinner, and bed routines for the kids. We usually double-team it to cover both kiddos simultaneously at bedtime, so I had to get a little creative to make tonight flow for both Justice's bottle feeding and Agape's bed routine. I am still feeling pretty wiped, so I was ready for bed before any of the kids were, but we still had to do bottles, teeth brushing, and books. The usual.
This is when it got sweet. Agape and I sat on the floor and did an I-Spy book while I fed Justice on my lap. Then it was time to climb into bed to read our nightly Bible story. Usually I climb in next to her to read. Tonight I put Justice on the pillow beside Agape so that I could hold the bottle in one hand and the Bible in the other... and hope to avoid excess air bubbles for Justice while not losing my place for Agape. Basic momma work.
Midway through the story Justice finished and I removed the bottle. Instead of protesting the end of the milk supply, he immediately rolled toward Agape, snuggled his face into her chest, and fell asleep without a single wimper or complaint. Agape put her arm around him and snuggled right in as I finished her story.
The part of the story that I was reading went like this:
"Jesus knew that God would always love and watch over the world he had made - everything in it - birds, flowers, tree, animals, everything! And most of all, his children. Even though people had forgotten, the birds and the flowers had not forgotten - they still knew their song. It was the song all of God's creation had sung to him from the very beginning. It was the song people's hearts were made to sing: "God made us. He loves us. He is very pleased with us." It was why Jesus had come into the world: to sing them that wonderful song; to sing it not only with his voice, but with his whole life - so that God's children could remember it and join in and sing it, too."
... I think my children are singing...
Can you imagine trying to choke out these words while seeing your two children - your dearest heart of hearts - all snuggled together like this. After all of the hoping, praying, struggling, fearing, fundraising, crying, sacrificing, and trusting in God to get your daughter home safely to join your family. After the surprise and struggle of an unplanned pregnancy in the middle of all of the adoption craziness and uncertainty. Last year I did not know either of these children... one was still a faceless hope and one was just a brand new formless surprise. Now, just one short year later, it was truly like something out of a dream. Jesus was present in the bedroom tonight. His grace and love were palpable. As we keep singing each day, "Yesu azali awa, na bisou" - Jesus is here with us.
Agape wanted Justice to sleep with her, but I had to tell her no. She was sad about that but didn't fight and gave Justice a nice kiss goodnight, saying "goodnight Buddy-bud." (She ADORES him!) Then I hugged and kissed her and told her - just like I say every night - "Goodnight Agape, I love you" As I was getting up to take Justice to his bed I heard her say quietly "I love you too."
I love you too.
This may not sound like much, but can I tell you how amazing those words sound to me? ... because this is the first time that she has said them in response to my goodnight. This is the best thing that my momma heart can hear. (Plus, it was in English!)
I turned around to see her smiling.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is a moment that I will never forget. Many more battles still to fight, but the war is already won, thanks to the Singer.
Love wins.
Every time.
And now, I am singing too...
Truth about the First Week Home: The Good, the Hard, and the Downright Ugly
Well, it has been a while since we last posted... and there is a very good reason why, too. This "first month home" stuff is pretty crazy! Dan and I are trying to establish basic ground rules, a general schedule or routine, security based on trust, and some semblance of order for our family. This is all way easier said than done.
All in all, the first few weeks home have been good. VERY GOOD for us who were homesick, and generally good for our little girl who is probably feeling a bit homesick herself, but can't tell us about it. Each day has its happiness highs as well as its sad/defiant lows... and more than ever before, each day leaves us feeling absolutely DRAINED, emotionally and physically. This parenting a hurting child is quite the challenge! How can we sum it all up for everyone? Well, a phrase keeps coming to mind "the good, the bad, and the ugly." Change "bad" to "hard" and we can pretty much file everything from our past week into one of these categories, so here goes:
The GOOD:
Justice - Agape loves her brother! From the first moment that she laid eyes on him at the airport, she has been a GREAT big sister! She sings to him, tickles him, soothes him when he cries, and makes him laugh more than any other person on this earth can! The love is reciprocal. He simply adores her, and just loves to look at her and smile. It is so wonderful that they work together so well. We were very worried about jealousy, but that has not seemed to be much of a problem so far. What a blessing from God! Seeing them together is just too beautiful.
Family connections - We have been able to get together with ALMOST all of the family already. While we think that we definitely overdid it with "meetings" the first week, we do know that Agape has felt happy and loved by a lot of people. She has been doing very well with remembering names since we went over them every day in the Congo while looking through the family photo album that we made for her. The family album is in a colorful, compact little 8X8 Shutterfly book, and it has proved to be a great way to prepare her for meeting new family! Whenever we are going to meet someone new we prepare her by reviewing the book together and showing her who we are going to be seeing. Then when she sees them in person she is just tickled to realize that this is the person from the picture... but now they are in real life! We highly recommend making a book like this to take with you if you are going to pick up your child. Throw in a few pics of your child that you have received from your agency. Agape loves to see herself in the family book as well! We will make a new one as well, as soon as we have collected pictures of her with each new person. Probably for Christmas...
Church - We anticipated skipping out on church for a while because of the onslaught of new faces, but it seemed to us that Agape was really missing some peer time, so we decided to take her the first Sunday. It just so happened to be "Orphan Sunday" as well, so it was almost too perfect, and we really couldn't resist. :) Agape did GREAT and loved meeting the kids and making some new friends! Now, our church is very small, and so it was definitely less overwhelming than a larger church might have been. And she only had about 10 kids to meet in her age range, so this was a nice small number. Just perfect for forming some new relationships. And the kids have been waiting for SOOOOOO LONG to meet her, that they were excited to welcome her right in! We have some of the best kiddos around, I think. I may be biased, but hey, they are pretty darn awesome. One of the moms also researched and learned (all on her own!) some Lingala so that she could welcome Agape in her own language. Agape really got a kick out of this, and it definitely was a good ice breaker to make her feel more at home. Church = SUCCESS!
Food - OK, we have a mixed subject here. Food fits into 2 of my categories of this list. I will get to the hard stuff later... but I gotta say that, overall, finding food that Agape likes has been way less of an issue than I anticipated. Agape likes a great many foods that we eat regularly, such as bananas, avocado, bread, PB+J, granola bars, yogurt, eggs, cheese, rice, chicken, pizza, and fish. Casseroles that contain these items are a definite hit, and she has eaten pretty heartily while she's been here. Not to mention that our friends and church family have been making us meals like crazy, and they have been AWESOME! And - per our request - pretty much all include rice. :) Strangely enough, she does not get too into sweets... no candy, cakes, or cookies seem to interest her. Not complaining! She seems to like ice cream now, but she had to warm up to it. Her main food craving, unfortunately, is any kind of SALTY processed snack food that comes in a bag. Chips, chips, cheese curls, and more chips... oh, and pop corn too. The heavily salted, cheesed, and buttered kind. I have a feeling that they ate a lot of this junk food at her orphanage because she talks about eating it a lot... for a lot of meals. Loso (white rice) and salty food: two things she thinks she could live on. That would probably explain why her blood tests revealed some serious nutritional deficits. Just imagine her joy when she gets old enough to realize that we live in walking distance of a major chip factory that gives tours and free samples right off the line! And their chips - Herr's - are pretty much the yummiest EVER! Unfortunately (or maybe FORTUNATELY) for her, we don't really eat much salt... chips only for special occasions, minimal processed foods, and we don't even cook with added salt very often. The poor girl is probably going through sodium withdraw! We are OK with that, and are prepared to weather the storm. Plus, absence makes the heart grow fonder, so it will allow chips to become good bargaining tools, I think! (No, I am NOT above bribing my children. Judge if you like, but there has to be SOME kind of "prize" for completing a sticker chart! Might as well be a bag of Herr's!)
Outside - We have been blessed with a few really lovely days lately, and so Agape has been able to spend a good deal of time outside! We lost a few trees from Sandy, and so Papa has been outside with the chainsaw a lot lately. Agape has been outside with him, just scooting around on the driveway on a kid car or playing with bubbles. She has not gotten too adventurous yet, and just stays right around us, but at least it is better than just hanging out inside! She has a lot energy to burn too, so running outside is a Mom's best friend! We even went for a walk at the park the other day after Mom's jog. Agape played on the play set for 1 hour and then walked a half mile with us. It was a great start to getting her ready for our family hikes. We are quite the active family, especially in summertime, so she's going to have to be ready!
Swimming - HIGHLIGHT OF THE PAST FEW WEEKS! Agape absolutely loves the pool at the Y! She calls swimming "le plunge" and she talks about it all the time. always asking if we can go now. If she colors a picture in her coloring book, it is always of something that is swimming or floating in water. And last night when she was skyping with her awesome Lingala friend, Lucy, she was telling her all about it and acting it out! Now, truth be told, Agape is not technically "swimming" yet... she is quite the drama mamma and screams like the world is ending over any little thing. This includes getting a mouthful of water or having one of us help her learn how to kick her legs. Oh well... she will get it... Oh, the torture of helping her learn to do something that she LIKES! LOL But seriously, we know she loves swimming A LOT because despite these little cataclysmic occurences, she - like any other child - never wants to leave the water when I say it is time to go! She never looks more full of joy than when she is in the pool, or at least knows that we will be going there soon
Jogging - not her, ME! I have been so thankful for the opportunity to still run on Dan's days off. I need to give my hubby HUGE props for this. He KNOWS how much I love/need to jog... and he helps to make it possible for me to GO! I am a much better and happier momma after a run. It's good for the whole family!!!
Bedtime (my favorite time of day!) - Since coming home Agape has slept every night in her own room in her own bed, PTL!!! There were 2 nights where she fought us on going to sleep and screamed for an hour straight, and we do have occasional trouble with the whole "getting ready for bed" routine (ie STALLING), but overall the bedtime routine that we established from the first night in Congo (story, bible story, lights off, prayer, hug and kiss) has worked like a charm. It helps her wind down and feel safe and cozy. Blessing!
The HARD:
The power struggles - This is an everyday occurrence. Mornings are the worst, and things tend to get better as the day goes on. It is almost like we have to reestablish every day that we are her momma and Papa, and we are indeed in charge.... and us being in charge means her GOOD, not her destruction. This struggle usually begins with eating breakfast. It always begins with us asking her to do something or putting food in front of her. Even if she asks for something herself - and we KNOW that it is something she is familiar with and she has happily downed it many times before - she almost immediately decides that she hates it, and it is disgusting. Then she refuses to eat, and very dramatically acts out how horrible the food tastes - usually complete with grimacing, moaning, eye rolling, and whining... sometimes she even throws in a few gagging spells and sticking out her tongue. This is usually followed by a swing in the other emotional direction by her becoming stone cold, refusing to look at us, and refusing to speak. Sometimes "going limp" happens now, and sometimes the "statue stand" occurs. Either way, the desired effect is defiance and gaining a "begging" reaction (and control) from us when we try time and again to get her to even look at us. The girl is smart... she knows that we cannot physically make her eyeballs look at us, so she figures that this is the most surefire means of effective defiance. Instead I just count to 3, and on three her only option is to answer/look or go up to her room. This is usually when the wailing begins. As soon as I pick up the puddle/statue child, she begins screaming bloody murder - my personal favorite part of the whole ordeal... NOT (Eye-yi-yi-yi-yi!!!). The desired result is attention and control. The actual result is a lot of of patience learning on our part. Once we put her in the time out chair or her room, the waiting begins. Sometimes it is over very quickly, but sometimes she can drag it out for an hour or more. She is African, so she is very patient. :) We keep checking in with "finished?" whenever the crying out stops. When she is ready to look at us and apologize then the ordeal is over and she returns to finish her now very soggy cereal or very cold eggs.
OK, so this process is NO FUN for anyone involved, but we have been making progress! She has been trying new things lately, she has realized that she really does have to finish her meals before she will get to eat anything else or go anywhere, and she also seems to understand that we do in fact mean business when we set a rule. Tonight we had a similar showdown at dinnertime, and all in all she sat at the table for 2 hours, but it was a fairly happy 2 hours, and she did finish without a single cry. Yesterday morning she tried to hide the granola bar she had chosen for breakfast in her hand instead of eating it, but when I discovered it and told her the deal (no breakfast = no swimming) and she responded IMMEDIATELY. She did not want to chance that one! All in all, improving slowly.
Of course this is only one of the power struggle areas... I could go on and on... but the most important thing to note is how there are 2 things that have been helping here: 1. Our consistency in the standards that we set and the rewards/punishments that we state. 2. Our bonding with her and her corresponding trust in us and our love for her. The more she feels loved, the less she fights for control. This makes sense, of course, but it is hard to remember in the heat of the moment when the screamo is going on. Just remember, she is feeling insecure, so she is slipping back into frightened orphan mode. The only thing that will change that is love and consistency!
Alone Time - Huh? What IS that???? Haven't had that in a while! SEriously, after the kids fall asleep (which is usually at about 10pm) we are DONE. EXHAUSTED, mentally, physically, and emotionally. That is why it has taken me so long to write this blog post! By the time I put the kids to bed, I am so emotionally spent from giving all of me to Agape all day that I don't have the emotional strength to get it all out in cohesive words! Yup, this is just a tad hard on the whole "love life" but of course we did have a baby this year too, so we were pretty prepared for that, haha. All in all, we are completely worn out, but when we snuggle up and fall asleep in bed at night - for that SPLIT SECOND between snuggling into the pillow and being dead asleep - we know that our love is still just as strong as it ever was. So thankful that I have Dan. SO SO SO THANKFUL. If our marriage was not strong, this would not work. But the bottom line is that we are best friends who can certainly DO hard. The first 5 years of marriage were spend working and going to college - not to mention nursing school. We know how to make "no sleep, no time, to money" work, and we also know we will be stronger for it. I could pick no one better to be on my team. I LOVE MY HUSBAND! Thank you Lord. :)
The UGLY:
Still an orphan - this is just a matter of fact: Agape is still very much in "orphan mode" a lot of the time. We are not sure that she really understands yet that this is FOREVER. Nothing can change it. Nothing will send her back. Nothing will stop our love. Nothing will cause her to be abused. Nothing. For now, she still slips into the role of self-preserving orphan on a daily basis. She does not understand what family even means. We have to define it for her. But if she feels threatened by new circumstances or pain then she quickly freaks out. Getting shots is the worst. She cries out so loudly and struggles so much. It took Dan and 3 nurses to hold her down - pin her - to get blood for blood work. Meanwhile she was screaming so much that every child within earshot started to cry as well. Justice shrieked when he heard her. Both my kids were crying. One was most likely cursing me out in Lingala. She was MAD. And SCARED. She even cried out for her birth mother when crying for me did not work. Ugly, heart wrenching, stick-with-you-forever kinda scene. I hated it. Her wounds are deep. Unfortunately there are going to be times when I will let her down or seem to be betraying her (times like shots). Bottom line, she has to learn to trust. This is going to take a LONG time.
Tantrums - OH MY. If only you could hear her crying! This girl can WAIL! And she can be totally faking, but be oh so convincing. Tears can be streaming, and she can turn it on and off with a smile. The trantrums come with kicking and flailing too. FUN! They also tend to come when others are around to watch (ie in public or with guests). The girl likes to have an audience. :) This just comes with the territory, unfortunately. Child + wounded past + insecurity = ticking time bomb. But hey, we knew this when we signed up for adoption, so we are as prepped as we can be! Overall, the trantrums are getting less, I think, and shorter in duration. A few weeks ago she flew into a fit over something while walking to the car and started the wailing. I had tried everything to get her to stop but nothing was working, and so I finally, once we were all buckled inside the car, just started wailing too. Totally calm, not angry or upset, just making noise. She hated it! Flew into a louder rage. I got louder. She got louder. I just kept on pacing myself and looked totally nonchalant. Every time she would stop to take a breath I said "Agape finished, then mamma finished. Finished?" This would just elicit fresh screaming. But then FINALLY she stopped like a light switch, looked at me, and said "Momma, FINISHED! Stop." I asked her to say sorry, she did, and the wailing was OVER. She has only had one crying fit with me since. She knows now that it does not get anywhere, and she really is annoyed at my wailing, haha. I think that it finally got through that the crying fits are not a good way to get what you want, at least not when its with mom, anyways (she did try the crying in children's church the other day, and it worked with the unsuspecting teachers at first, but then I called her bluff). She told papa about the whole thing later and then reminded him "NO CRYING, PAPA!" Obviously, something stuck. Now, this method would probably make attachment theorists wince, but hey, it worked for us. Tantrums still happen (Oh, Thanksgiving was BAD...) but they are getting better overall!
Wounds from past - Won't say much about this, except the ugly truth is that she has been abused in many ways. Physical scars prove it. Emotional scars impact our daily life. And the more english she learns and Lingala we learn, the more she can tell us. It is NOT pretty. American children, getting mildly spanked by parents who love you is the LEAST of your causes for complaint... you want to talk about emotionally scarring, just talk to someone who has been beat or otherwise punished by someone without restraint and without love. U G L Y.
Our own hearts - the ugly truth about US, is that we see so much of this orphan girl in ourselves and the way that we relate to God. Whenever my daughter is fighting me on eating breakfast, or throwing a fit to get her way, or freaking out over shots, calling for ANYONE to come to her aid - these moments just remind of how I do this to God. I fight his good will for me, I beg and beg to get my way and get so angry if I don't, and I turn to anyone/anything else for comfort so often when I should be turning to God. It is crazy how much I live as an orphan when I have such a GOOD heavenly father. BUt he is even more patient with me as Dan and I are with Agape, and so I will never be able to make his love go away. I will never be 'too bad" or 'too rebellious" to lose his grace. And thank God for that, because without his grace how on earth would I understand how to have grace for adoption? It is not easy to raise children and to put their needs above my own, but because of Jesus and HIS love and example, I CAN. Thank God that he is changing our hearts and making us new. We are his children. And Agape is mine. Grace abounds.
All in all, the first few weeks home have been good. VERY GOOD for us who were homesick, and generally good for our little girl who is probably feeling a bit homesick herself, but can't tell us about it. Each day has its happiness highs as well as its sad/defiant lows... and more than ever before, each day leaves us feeling absolutely DRAINED, emotionally and physically. This parenting a hurting child is quite the challenge! How can we sum it all up for everyone? Well, a phrase keeps coming to mind "the good, the bad, and the ugly." Change "bad" to "hard" and we can pretty much file everything from our past week into one of these categories, so here goes:
The GOOD:
Justice - Agape loves her brother! From the first moment that she laid eyes on him at the airport, she has been a GREAT big sister! She sings to him, tickles him, soothes him when he cries, and makes him laugh more than any other person on this earth can! The love is reciprocal. He simply adores her, and just loves to look at her and smile. It is so wonderful that they work together so well. We were very worried about jealousy, but that has not seemed to be much of a problem so far. What a blessing from God! Seeing them together is just too beautiful.
Family connections - We have been able to get together with ALMOST all of the family already. While we think that we definitely overdid it with "meetings" the first week, we do know that Agape has felt happy and loved by a lot of people. She has been doing very well with remembering names since we went over them every day in the Congo while looking through the family photo album that we made for her. The family album is in a colorful, compact little 8X8 Shutterfly book, and it has proved to be a great way to prepare her for meeting new family! Whenever we are going to meet someone new we prepare her by reviewing the book together and showing her who we are going to be seeing. Then when she sees them in person she is just tickled to realize that this is the person from the picture... but now they are in real life! We highly recommend making a book like this to take with you if you are going to pick up your child. Throw in a few pics of your child that you have received from your agency. Agape loves to see herself in the family book as well! We will make a new one as well, as soon as we have collected pictures of her with each new person. Probably for Christmas...
Church - We anticipated skipping out on church for a while because of the onslaught of new faces, but it seemed to us that Agape was really missing some peer time, so we decided to take her the first Sunday. It just so happened to be "Orphan Sunday" as well, so it was almost too perfect, and we really couldn't resist. :) Agape did GREAT and loved meeting the kids and making some new friends! Now, our church is very small, and so it was definitely less overwhelming than a larger church might have been. And she only had about 10 kids to meet in her age range, so this was a nice small number. Just perfect for forming some new relationships. And the kids have been waiting for SOOOOOO LONG to meet her, that they were excited to welcome her right in! We have some of the best kiddos around, I think. I may be biased, but hey, they are pretty darn awesome. One of the moms also researched and learned (all on her own!) some Lingala so that she could welcome Agape in her own language. Agape really got a kick out of this, and it definitely was a good ice breaker to make her feel more at home. Church = SUCCESS!
Food - OK, we have a mixed subject here. Food fits into 2 of my categories of this list. I will get to the hard stuff later... but I gotta say that, overall, finding food that Agape likes has been way less of an issue than I anticipated. Agape likes a great many foods that we eat regularly, such as bananas, avocado, bread, PB+J, granola bars, yogurt, eggs, cheese, rice, chicken, pizza, and fish. Casseroles that contain these items are a definite hit, and she has eaten pretty heartily while she's been here. Not to mention that our friends and church family have been making us meals like crazy, and they have been AWESOME! And - per our request - pretty much all include rice. :) Strangely enough, she does not get too into sweets... no candy, cakes, or cookies seem to interest her. Not complaining! She seems to like ice cream now, but she had to warm up to it. Her main food craving, unfortunately, is any kind of SALTY processed snack food that comes in a bag. Chips, chips, cheese curls, and more chips... oh, and pop corn too. The heavily salted, cheesed, and buttered kind. I have a feeling that they ate a lot of this junk food at her orphanage because she talks about eating it a lot... for a lot of meals. Loso (white rice) and salty food: two things she thinks she could live on. That would probably explain why her blood tests revealed some serious nutritional deficits. Just imagine her joy when she gets old enough to realize that we live in walking distance of a major chip factory that gives tours and free samples right off the line! And their chips - Herr's - are pretty much the yummiest EVER! Unfortunately (or maybe FORTUNATELY) for her, we don't really eat much salt... chips only for special occasions, minimal processed foods, and we don't even cook with added salt very often. The poor girl is probably going through sodium withdraw! We are OK with that, and are prepared to weather the storm. Plus, absence makes the heart grow fonder, so it will allow chips to become good bargaining tools, I think! (No, I am NOT above bribing my children. Judge if you like, but there has to be SOME kind of "prize" for completing a sticker chart! Might as well be a bag of Herr's!)
Outside - We have been blessed with a few really lovely days lately, and so Agape has been able to spend a good deal of time outside! We lost a few trees from Sandy, and so Papa has been outside with the chainsaw a lot lately. Agape has been outside with him, just scooting around on the driveway on a kid car or playing with bubbles. She has not gotten too adventurous yet, and just stays right around us, but at least it is better than just hanging out inside! She has a lot energy to burn too, so running outside is a Mom's best friend! We even went for a walk at the park the other day after Mom's jog. Agape played on the play set for 1 hour and then walked a half mile with us. It was a great start to getting her ready for our family hikes. We are quite the active family, especially in summertime, so she's going to have to be ready!
Swimming - HIGHLIGHT OF THE PAST FEW WEEKS! Agape absolutely loves the pool at the Y! She calls swimming "le plunge" and she talks about it all the time. always asking if we can go now. If she colors a picture in her coloring book, it is always of something that is swimming or floating in water. And last night when she was skyping with her awesome Lingala friend, Lucy, she was telling her all about it and acting it out! Now, truth be told, Agape is not technically "swimming" yet... she is quite the drama mamma and screams like the world is ending over any little thing. This includes getting a mouthful of water or having one of us help her learn how to kick her legs. Oh well... she will get it... Oh, the torture of helping her learn to do something that she LIKES! LOL But seriously, we know she loves swimming A LOT because despite these little cataclysmic occurences, she - like any other child - never wants to leave the water when I say it is time to go! She never looks more full of joy than when she is in the pool, or at least knows that we will be going there soon
Jogging - not her, ME! I have been so thankful for the opportunity to still run on Dan's days off. I need to give my hubby HUGE props for this. He KNOWS how much I love/need to jog... and he helps to make it possible for me to GO! I am a much better and happier momma after a run. It's good for the whole family!!!
Bedtime (my favorite time of day!) - Since coming home Agape has slept every night in her own room in her own bed, PTL!!! There were 2 nights where she fought us on going to sleep and screamed for an hour straight, and we do have occasional trouble with the whole "getting ready for bed" routine (ie STALLING), but overall the bedtime routine that we established from the first night in Congo (story, bible story, lights off, prayer, hug and kiss) has worked like a charm. It helps her wind down and feel safe and cozy. Blessing!
The HARD:
The power struggles - This is an everyday occurrence. Mornings are the worst, and things tend to get better as the day goes on. It is almost like we have to reestablish every day that we are her momma and Papa, and we are indeed in charge.... and us being in charge means her GOOD, not her destruction. This struggle usually begins with eating breakfast. It always begins with us asking her to do something or putting food in front of her. Even if she asks for something herself - and we KNOW that it is something she is familiar with and she has happily downed it many times before - she almost immediately decides that she hates it, and it is disgusting. Then she refuses to eat, and very dramatically acts out how horrible the food tastes - usually complete with grimacing, moaning, eye rolling, and whining... sometimes she even throws in a few gagging spells and sticking out her tongue. This is usually followed by a swing in the other emotional direction by her becoming stone cold, refusing to look at us, and refusing to speak. Sometimes "going limp" happens now, and sometimes the "statue stand" occurs. Either way, the desired effect is defiance and gaining a "begging" reaction (and control) from us when we try time and again to get her to even look at us. The girl is smart... she knows that we cannot physically make her eyeballs look at us, so she figures that this is the most surefire means of effective defiance. Instead I just count to 3, and on three her only option is to answer/look or go up to her room. This is usually when the wailing begins. As soon as I pick up the puddle/statue child, she begins screaming bloody murder - my personal favorite part of the whole ordeal... NOT (Eye-yi-yi-yi-yi!!!). The desired result is attention and control. The actual result is a lot of of patience learning on our part. Once we put her in the time out chair or her room, the waiting begins. Sometimes it is over very quickly, but sometimes she can drag it out for an hour or more. She is African, so she is very patient. :) We keep checking in with "finished?" whenever the crying out stops. When she is ready to look at us and apologize then the ordeal is over and she returns to finish her now very soggy cereal or very cold eggs.
OK, so this process is NO FUN for anyone involved, but we have been making progress! She has been trying new things lately, she has realized that she really does have to finish her meals before she will get to eat anything else or go anywhere, and she also seems to understand that we do in fact mean business when we set a rule. Tonight we had a similar showdown at dinnertime, and all in all she sat at the table for 2 hours, but it was a fairly happy 2 hours, and she did finish without a single cry. Yesterday morning she tried to hide the granola bar she had chosen for breakfast in her hand instead of eating it, but when I discovered it and told her the deal (no breakfast = no swimming) and she responded IMMEDIATELY. She did not want to chance that one! All in all, improving slowly.
Of course this is only one of the power struggle areas... I could go on and on... but the most important thing to note is how there are 2 things that have been helping here: 1. Our consistency in the standards that we set and the rewards/punishments that we state. 2. Our bonding with her and her corresponding trust in us and our love for her. The more she feels loved, the less she fights for control. This makes sense, of course, but it is hard to remember in the heat of the moment when the screamo is going on. Just remember, she is feeling insecure, so she is slipping back into frightened orphan mode. The only thing that will change that is love and consistency!
Alone Time - Huh? What IS that???? Haven't had that in a while! SEriously, after the kids fall asleep (which is usually at about 10pm) we are DONE. EXHAUSTED, mentally, physically, and emotionally. That is why it has taken me so long to write this blog post! By the time I put the kids to bed, I am so emotionally spent from giving all of me to Agape all day that I don't have the emotional strength to get it all out in cohesive words! Yup, this is just a tad hard on the whole "love life" but of course we did have a baby this year too, so we were pretty prepared for that, haha. All in all, we are completely worn out, but when we snuggle up and fall asleep in bed at night - for that SPLIT SECOND between snuggling into the pillow and being dead asleep - we know that our love is still just as strong as it ever was. So thankful that I have Dan. SO SO SO THANKFUL. If our marriage was not strong, this would not work. But the bottom line is that we are best friends who can certainly DO hard. The first 5 years of marriage were spend working and going to college - not to mention nursing school. We know how to make "no sleep, no time, to money" work, and we also know we will be stronger for it. I could pick no one better to be on my team. I LOVE MY HUSBAND! Thank you Lord. :)
The UGLY:
Still an orphan - this is just a matter of fact: Agape is still very much in "orphan mode" a lot of the time. We are not sure that she really understands yet that this is FOREVER. Nothing can change it. Nothing will send her back. Nothing will stop our love. Nothing will cause her to be abused. Nothing. For now, she still slips into the role of self-preserving orphan on a daily basis. She does not understand what family even means. We have to define it for her. But if she feels threatened by new circumstances or pain then she quickly freaks out. Getting shots is the worst. She cries out so loudly and struggles so much. It took Dan and 3 nurses to hold her down - pin her - to get blood for blood work. Meanwhile she was screaming so much that every child within earshot started to cry as well. Justice shrieked when he heard her. Both my kids were crying. One was most likely cursing me out in Lingala. She was MAD. And SCARED. She even cried out for her birth mother when crying for me did not work. Ugly, heart wrenching, stick-with-you-forever kinda scene. I hated it. Her wounds are deep. Unfortunately there are going to be times when I will let her down or seem to be betraying her (times like shots). Bottom line, she has to learn to trust. This is going to take a LONG time.
Tantrums - OH MY. If only you could hear her crying! This girl can WAIL! And she can be totally faking, but be oh so convincing. Tears can be streaming, and she can turn it on and off with a smile. The trantrums come with kicking and flailing too. FUN! They also tend to come when others are around to watch (ie in public or with guests). The girl likes to have an audience. :) This just comes with the territory, unfortunately. Child + wounded past + insecurity = ticking time bomb. But hey, we knew this when we signed up for adoption, so we are as prepped as we can be! Overall, the trantrums are getting less, I think, and shorter in duration. A few weeks ago she flew into a fit over something while walking to the car and started the wailing. I had tried everything to get her to stop but nothing was working, and so I finally, once we were all buckled inside the car, just started wailing too. Totally calm, not angry or upset, just making noise. She hated it! Flew into a louder rage. I got louder. She got louder. I just kept on pacing myself and looked totally nonchalant. Every time she would stop to take a breath I said "Agape finished, then mamma finished. Finished?" This would just elicit fresh screaming. But then FINALLY she stopped like a light switch, looked at me, and said "Momma, FINISHED! Stop." I asked her to say sorry, she did, and the wailing was OVER. She has only had one crying fit with me since. She knows now that it does not get anywhere, and she really is annoyed at my wailing, haha. I think that it finally got through that the crying fits are not a good way to get what you want, at least not when its with mom, anyways (she did try the crying in children's church the other day, and it worked with the unsuspecting teachers at first, but then I called her bluff). She told papa about the whole thing later and then reminded him "NO CRYING, PAPA!" Obviously, something stuck. Now, this method would probably make attachment theorists wince, but hey, it worked for us. Tantrums still happen (Oh, Thanksgiving was BAD...) but they are getting better overall!
Wounds from past - Won't say much about this, except the ugly truth is that she has been abused in many ways. Physical scars prove it. Emotional scars impact our daily life. And the more english she learns and Lingala we learn, the more she can tell us. It is NOT pretty. American children, getting mildly spanked by parents who love you is the LEAST of your causes for complaint... you want to talk about emotionally scarring, just talk to someone who has been beat or otherwise punished by someone without restraint and without love. U G L Y.
Our own hearts - the ugly truth about US, is that we see so much of this orphan girl in ourselves and the way that we relate to God. Whenever my daughter is fighting me on eating breakfast, or throwing a fit to get her way, or freaking out over shots, calling for ANYONE to come to her aid - these moments just remind of how I do this to God. I fight his good will for me, I beg and beg to get my way and get so angry if I don't, and I turn to anyone/anything else for comfort so often when I should be turning to God. It is crazy how much I live as an orphan when I have such a GOOD heavenly father. BUt he is even more patient with me as Dan and I are with Agape, and so I will never be able to make his love go away. I will never be 'too bad" or 'too rebellious" to lose his grace. And thank God for that, because without his grace how on earth would I understand how to have grace for adoption? It is not easy to raise children and to put their needs above my own, but because of Jesus and HIS love and example, I CAN. Thank God that he is changing our hearts and making us new. We are his children. And Agape is mine. Grace abounds.
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